Turn Up the Radio.

I'm a little confused as to where to start, but I guess I'll start with today.

After a heavy night of drinking, dancing, and yelling the word "motherfucker," I wake up in the dorm room realizing that my friend puked in front of the bar last night. I feel bad because she was thrown out of the bar as well while I was dancing with one of my guy friends. So today I come home and we're having a family birthday party since my birthday was last week, and I can feel the tention. It bursts all of a sudden when my sister's boyfriend, who is moving in, and I start talking about drinking heavily. My sister freaks out, my Dad steps in and so does my Mom. I start yelling at my Mom to shut up cause she is NEVER on my side, and then Dad starts yelling, then my sister does, and this is all infront of my other relatives. So I take my beer mug and march upstairs. I'm upset as hell, when Dad comes upstairs to apologize, my sister soon after him, and her boyfriend as well. Short but sweet, my mother is still a cunt and I don't know if I'm going to like living with my sister again when my Mom moves out. I don't want to think of my sister as a mother figure, but that's what she's starting to portray herself as. I don't think I like that. I want a sister, not a mother. But, I guess it's hard when your sister is a mother...

New tattoo February 12th. Yes.

It's actually 6:15pm so mind the time. I know I can fix it but don't feel like it right now. This all happened around 1pm. Dad was home this weekend, and I barely saw him. I haven't been to my internship in a week because of my numerous doctor appointments about my knee. I hafta email her and apologize.

I've been told I have a lot of great potential (and don't agree or disagree I don't want to hear it), but I pretty much got drunk... 5 out of the 7 days last week. I'm not drinking at all this week, nope, none, nada, nothing. I'm not an alcoholic so don't fucking say that.

Ta for now.

Empty as in dead as dead.

I miss you.

I'm so pissed off at myself right now cause I miss you.

I know I shouldn't, but I'm pathetic and do.

I'm getting a tattoo cause my Dad suggested I get this.

It's going to be a sun with two faces in the center.

Comedy and Tragedy.

It will show my bipolarness and the constant struggle I have with this crap.

I really miss you.

My Dad is fine with me getting another one, my Mom not so much.

I'm going to even my arms out, and try to make them look decent.

Since I have a feeling money will be scarce, and I want to get one more.

Just one more before the money dries up.

School starts in a few days, and with this I am anxious.

A lot is going to change this year.

My rents are moving, my sister and her boyfriend and her son moving in their place.

Which means I stay put and help pay rent with them.

She's graduating, I am as well.

I feel a marraige proposal on her side is coming up as well on her part.

I'll be taking my GRE this year, and applying for grad schools.

Hopefully I'll get into a few of them so I can get the hell out of here.

That would be fab.

I really want to go to bed, but I think it's too early for this.

My knee isn't doing well at all.

I have to go to physical therapy most likely, and surgery might even be in order.

Maybe I'll just fuck it and go.

Who cares anymore?

Dead and Gone.

I wish.

Anyways, I just got my books for this upcoming semester. Did you know that I'm going to graduate with my bachelor's degree this year? That's so scary to think how close I am, and then there's graduate school... I've got about 5 schools in mind, 6 if you include one out of the country. My Mom, whom I have been getting along much better with, is moving and I'll be getting my own place. All of these things, it's so weird.
I'm working on a story right now, it's 8 pages double-spaced, and I plan on using it towards my final portfolio to get into graduate school. Right now it should go under the genre of 'Love Story' but I plan on twisting it around, like I do with most of my writings.
I must admit, I am still irritated with a number of things. For one, I just the semester to start again, since I am itching to finish. Another is how my wireless internet won't work for what seems more than 5 minutes at a time, but the most annoyance is my knee. My goddamn right knee. I wake up every day around 9-10am in extreme pain, so I slap my brace on, take some pain medicine and get ready to start the day. It also doesn't help me that I just lost my job as well.
Here's a monologue I wrote::
"Me? Crazy? No, why would I be crazy? Why would I be angry all the time? What reasons do I have? The fact that I’m going to be living on medication for the rest of my life due to my mental illnesses, or the fact that I should never have kids? But, oh hey, can’t have kids until you find someone to have kids with, which will never happen ever again. It might be the fact that I feel like my family hates me and so does everyone else, or the fact that no matter how normal I try to be I’m not. Why would that make me crazy? It is the fact that no matter what I do I always seem to screw things up? Or could it be the fact that no matter what I do things never go my way? People treat me like I’m a child when really I’m an adult. I feel like I need to prove myself when really I shouldn’t. People need to stop being such assholes to me. I wouldn’t be like this if people were nice to me and actually did what they said they were going to do. Help me out when I need help, comfort me when I need comfort. Shit like that. But no, let’s hit me again; beat the crap out of me, and see where that gets me. Let’s shove pills down my throat and as I look through the world with numbing eyes and suicidal thoughts since the medication still doesn’t work because you want me to be normal. I want to be normal. I will never be normal. What the hell is normal anyways? Why am I so angry? Why do people make me so mad? Why am I like this? Why can’t I just die already? I don’t get it why you people think you can fix me when really I don’t think you can. I think I’m duped to live like this the rest of my life."

I wrote that a few months ago with the thought of a younger me in mind; a me in my teenage years. I would like to use that in a play, but I don't know if I ever will.