In the words of Whitney K...

"I don't consider myself an American. Just because I live here doesn't mean I belong. My family comes from Europe, and I long to return there. My opportunity to attend Grad School in the UK is starting to grow, and I plan on taking that opportunity with open arms."

To add on, I honestly have never felt like I belonged in this country. I've always dreamt how my grandmother and my mom must have been when they were in Europe. I see pictures, I hear stories, and I long to experience it for myself. I will if I get the chance, believe me.

Let me tell you something realll quick. I'm under a lot of stress in school, okay? I have projects, final papers, hours for interning, and exams due and I only have a month left to do all of them. Damn, I feel screwed already. Where did this semester go? It seems just yesturday that it was February, but no, it's the end of March. If I were graduating this semester and not in the fall, yeah, I'd be flipping out like a lot of my friends are doing.

Also, I'd like to state that no one owns me, okay? Can we just get that CLEAR? I believe strongly in women's rights. I'm not sorry for believeing in it, and when a guy says, "Yeah, you'll do what I say cause I own you," then no, that's a huge red flag. Sorry to say it, but that's just how it is. Maybe the whole "I do the Vagina Monologues" thing didn't tick you off with that idea, but I'm telling it to you in writing. No one owns me, so get used to it. If you can't, then you can leave. Simple as that.

And I honestly forgot about this... and I left it open all night... but we're good.

OH! Yeah and people who think that "o hey, I miss you soo much Whitney, let's hang out soon" when you were such a bitch to me (like demanding time to see me and not understanding that I'm busy as hell) and took me off your friends list on fb... you THINK you can come back to me that easily? No. No, you can't. You people don't understand how busy I am. I'm not going to drop everything and hang out with you, especially when you were such a bitch to me. I love it how you people think.

But hey, I have better things to do then bitch about stupid shit. I have an internship that is pretty much offering me a part-time job that I might take. I am just about to go there for 10 hours as I type this. I'm starting to think of my philosophy presentation that's due sometime in early April and I'm beginning to understand what it's all about; what the author is trying to say about impurity. I got better things to do then bitch about crap, but sometimes it just feels great to bitch.

I Told Myself

I told myself I was going to try and not go online today; not even turn the computer on, but here I am typing after a day full of reading, getting coffee and contemplating whether I should go on the computer at all.
I'm not even on my own computer, I'm on my mothers.
I just got off of spring break. I didn't do anything special for spring break besides errands, shopping, a hint of partying and sleeping; lots of that.
After a late night food run with the boy last night, and some heavy talking in the car about our futures, it has accured to me that a lot of people think I am going to get the career I want. I was even told today that with the amount of drive I have I will successfully get it.
Other people think I will, I am nervous about it.
Maybe it's because I know that someday I will probably start a family, and the career I want might but that in danger, but I really want to help people and stop hate in this world. I tried nursing, I tried psychology, and none of that stuff appealed to me. English has and rhetoric has as well. Especially rhetoric. Words have such a high impact on every day life. How you choose to say words, type words, even define words has a great effect on people. Like the word effect, should it be affect or effect? What is the difference? That's where vocabulary comes in. If I were to say vocab instead of vocabulary how would you percieve me?
Rhetoric is an extremely powerful tool today in our society. If you know me, and I've probably said it before, but I want to get my masters in rhetoric and composition. Picking apart the logos, ethos and pathos of a desired text, for example the text of the "Letter from Birmingham City Jail" written by Martin Luther King Jr.; one could write a book about just that letter because it has been said that it is one of the most important documents of the civil rights movement. Read it sometime, it's worth it.
And then there's the people saying how Obama's January 20th speech was no good, when really if you look at it and pick it apart it's quite a good speech. When you hear someone speak, it has a different effect then reading what they're saying. Going to MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech, I read it at first, and was like "okay, so he repeats this and does this" but when I heard it, watched it, followed along with it, it became an extremely powerful speech.
I swear to god I had a point with this. Oh, yeah...
A lot of people think rhetoric is bad. It's not. Don't listen to what the news say about "there was some rhetoric in the white house today" when it happens every day. Not all rhetoric is bad. I mean hell it's happening right now, I'm telling my point about how rhetoric is useful and how I want to get into it as a career. It happens to us without us even knowing. And now I'm stopping :)
The composition part would deal with how things are structured; how rhetoric is successfully structured in a speech, in a paper, what have you.
It hit me today, again, that I am graduating this year. I have my associates and soon I will have my bachelors. Damn. The closer graduation gets, the more it hits me. Maybe I'll actually cry at this graduation. I did not cry at my high school or 2-year graduation because I was excited to move on. Even though I am excited for what the future holds, it's just the real world is coming up fast.
It is a beautiful day out in upstate. School starts up tomorrow, and this has been a fabulous break from my work. The work will get harder though as the semester draws nearer. Final exams, papers, projects will soon take over my life and my very relaxing week, which I have taken for granted, I will long for. Days of just waking up and lounging in bed for an hour, cuddling, will be gone. Alarm clocks will rule my life, whether waking up or just napping. My diet will be out of whack, living on espresso shots and sugar, and I will long for being able to sit down and write what I want, not what other people want me to.
Ah college life, how I'm going to miss you.

Kay.

Bleeker: Hi. Hey, did you like put a 100 things of tic-tacs in my mailbox?
Juno: Oh, yea, that was me.
Bleeker: Heh, why?
Juno: Well, you know their your fav, and you know you can never have too many of your favorite 1 calorie breath mints.
Bleeker: Well thanks I think I’m pretty much set until college on the tic-tac front.
Juno: You know Bleek, I was thinking, and I’m sorry I was such a huge bitch to you. You don’t deserve it.
Bleeker: That’s okay, you know, that’s okay.
Juno: And also, um… I think I’m in love with you.
Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno: No, I mean for real. Cause you’re like the coolest person I’ve ever met and you don’t even have to try.
Bleeker: I try really hard actually.

I always seem to get in trouble. I'm about to again.

I'm writing another paper on cannibalism, this time on how it's a race issue. Sounds fabulous.

I graduate in a December.

I have yet to apply to graduate schools, but shortly I'll start. Rhetoric and Composition is looking like a prime choice, along with Publishing and Editing. I'm looking into Emerson, Northeastern, Mich St, Penn St, and NYU.

I still hafta take that damn test. I really don't want to. Really, really don't want to.

I should post some of my writings I've been writing for my poetry class. I think they're good, but that doesn't mean other people think they are. I've been experimenting with different styles such as sestinas and and pantoums. I usaully write prose but the styles are always fun. You probably don't think so though.

I haven't really written anything freely this semester so far, and it's half way over. Maybe it's because I've been so stressed out with school and trying to get the massive amounts of reading/writing/studying done.

Life is okay though. My mother and I are aight. (God, did I just say aight?) I'm still nervous about my sister, her boyfriend and my nephew moving in. Hopefully she'll be more flexible then my Mother. I think I've said this before, but I really don't want her to be like my Mom. She's my effing sister, not my Mom.

I'm a little sore right now, but in all the right places.

Sundays have seemed to become my day of rest. After a heavy night of drinking, Sundays are a sort of relief; a day to catch our breath and prepare us for the week ahead. Every Sunday I seem to take a huge gasp of air and dive right into the week. Spring break is next week. I cannot wait. Even though I'm not going anywhere I plan on sleeping, a lot.

Also, I don't need knee surgery which is a good thing. Just lots of rest. Seeing the doc on Wednesday to decide what the hell is going on in the knee area.

Oh, and I think my last post dealt with something coming? Well it did, and it's still throwing rocks at me. The constant thought of what I'm going to do after graduation, what my career is going to be, everything hit me. It's a constant struggle.

Oh well.

Back to homework...

Cause we belong together now yeah
Forever united here somehow yeah
You got a piece of me and honestly
My life would suck without you

Warning Shot

"I feel something is coming,
Coming like a rhino on his hind legs
Is about to storm in and kick me
Down so hard the wind will be knocked
Out of my beating chest and I’ll finally be
Dead.

I’m either on the verge of a break through
Or the verge of a break down
I haven’t decided which one yet but neither
Can be good, especially in my condition
The condition of anxious, fear, depression and
Suicide.

I feel a certain numbing pumping through
My veins, as if the ice from outside is captivating
Itself into my body. I look fragile, I feel like death
Everything is not going the way I want it to
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this
I want it to stop

But at the same time I don’t.
Something good must come out of this,
It always does.
A break down during a break through, or a
Break through during a break down?
Whichever one leads me, I’ll take it."

Just wrote that, still a little shaky. Might need to clean it up a bit later...

Fuckers.

Turn Up the Radio.

I'm a little confused as to where to start, but I guess I'll start with today.

After a heavy night of drinking, dancing, and yelling the word "motherfucker," I wake up in the dorm room realizing that my friend puked in front of the bar last night. I feel bad because she was thrown out of the bar as well while I was dancing with one of my guy friends. So today I come home and we're having a family birthday party since my birthday was last week, and I can feel the tention. It bursts all of a sudden when my sister's boyfriend, who is moving in, and I start talking about drinking heavily. My sister freaks out, my Dad steps in and so does my Mom. I start yelling at my Mom to shut up cause she is NEVER on my side, and then Dad starts yelling, then my sister does, and this is all infront of my other relatives. So I take my beer mug and march upstairs. I'm upset as hell, when Dad comes upstairs to apologize, my sister soon after him, and her boyfriend as well. Short but sweet, my mother is still a cunt and I don't know if I'm going to like living with my sister again when my Mom moves out. I don't want to think of my sister as a mother figure, but that's what she's starting to portray herself as. I don't think I like that. I want a sister, not a mother. But, I guess it's hard when your sister is a mother...

New tattoo February 12th. Yes.

It's actually 6:15pm so mind the time. I know I can fix it but don't feel like it right now. This all happened around 1pm. Dad was home this weekend, and I barely saw him. I haven't been to my internship in a week because of my numerous doctor appointments about my knee. I hafta email her and apologize.

I've been told I have a lot of great potential (and don't agree or disagree I don't want to hear it), but I pretty much got drunk... 5 out of the 7 days last week. I'm not drinking at all this week, nope, none, nada, nothing. I'm not an alcoholic so don't fucking say that.

Ta for now.

Empty as in dead as dead.

I miss you.

I'm so pissed off at myself right now cause I miss you.

I know I shouldn't, but I'm pathetic and do.

I'm getting a tattoo cause my Dad suggested I get this.

It's going to be a sun with two faces in the center.

Comedy and Tragedy.

It will show my bipolarness and the constant struggle I have with this crap.

I really miss you.

My Dad is fine with me getting another one, my Mom not so much.

I'm going to even my arms out, and try to make them look decent.

Since I have a feeling money will be scarce, and I want to get one more.

Just one more before the money dries up.

School starts in a few days, and with this I am anxious.

A lot is going to change this year.

My rents are moving, my sister and her boyfriend and her son moving in their place.

Which means I stay put and help pay rent with them.

She's graduating, I am as well.

I feel a marraige proposal on her side is coming up as well on her part.

I'll be taking my GRE this year, and applying for grad schools.

Hopefully I'll get into a few of them so I can get the hell out of here.

That would be fab.

I really want to go to bed, but I think it's too early for this.

My knee isn't doing well at all.

I have to go to physical therapy most likely, and surgery might even be in order.

Maybe I'll just fuck it and go.

Who cares anymore?

Dead and Gone.

I wish.

Anyways, I just got my books for this upcoming semester. Did you know that I'm going to graduate with my bachelor's degree this year? That's so scary to think how close I am, and then there's graduate school... I've got about 5 schools in mind, 6 if you include one out of the country. My Mom, whom I have been getting along much better with, is moving and I'll be getting my own place. All of these things, it's so weird.
I'm working on a story right now, it's 8 pages double-spaced, and I plan on using it towards my final portfolio to get into graduate school. Right now it should go under the genre of 'Love Story' but I plan on twisting it around, like I do with most of my writings.
I must admit, I am still irritated with a number of things. For one, I just the semester to start again, since I am itching to finish. Another is how my wireless internet won't work for what seems more than 5 minutes at a time, but the most annoyance is my knee. My goddamn right knee. I wake up every day around 9-10am in extreme pain, so I slap my brace on, take some pain medicine and get ready to start the day. It also doesn't help me that I just lost my job as well.
Here's a monologue I wrote::
"Me? Crazy? No, why would I be crazy? Why would I be angry all the time? What reasons do I have? The fact that I’m going to be living on medication for the rest of my life due to my mental illnesses, or the fact that I should never have kids? But, oh hey, can’t have kids until you find someone to have kids with, which will never happen ever again. It might be the fact that I feel like my family hates me and so does everyone else, or the fact that no matter how normal I try to be I’m not. Why would that make me crazy? It is the fact that no matter what I do I always seem to screw things up? Or could it be the fact that no matter what I do things never go my way? People treat me like I’m a child when really I’m an adult. I feel like I need to prove myself when really I shouldn’t. People need to stop being such assholes to me. I wouldn’t be like this if people were nice to me and actually did what they said they were going to do. Help me out when I need help, comfort me when I need comfort. Shit like that. But no, let’s hit me again; beat the crap out of me, and see where that gets me. Let’s shove pills down my throat and as I look through the world with numbing eyes and suicidal thoughts since the medication still doesn’t work because you want me to be normal. I want to be normal. I will never be normal. What the hell is normal anyways? Why am I so angry? Why do people make me so mad? Why am I like this? Why can’t I just die already? I don’t get it why you people think you can fix me when really I don’t think you can. I think I’m duped to live like this the rest of my life."

I wrote that a few months ago with the thought of a younger me in mind; a me in my teenage years. I would like to use that in a play, but I don't know if I ever will.