This subject changed.

Beyond irritated tonight. Like beyoooond. I'm so done with this place. This is bullshit.

First off, to someone special, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'm so sick and tired of this crap I hafta deal with because of you. Never talk to me again. I'm so glad I didn't see you this weekend or I would've probably punched your face in.

Secondly, I'm tired. Very, very tired.

But...

Thirdly...

This weekend is most likely going to rock. Rave on Friday seeing some of my RIT loves (<3) but only if I don't pass out from working 7 days straight. Saturday I'm hanging out with Mr. (insert a witty nickname for him here), then Monday someone comes to visit for a few days!! Killwhitneydead is on Tuesday as well, which is going to be fabulous.

I got my independent study on Bertrand Russell for my final semester. I'm starting it now because it's gonna take that long. I'm psyched but it's gonna be a lot of work. I hafta read 7 of his books, including his Nobel prize winning one: The History of Western Philosophy. Ouch, but it's gonna be so worth it.

I really wish I had a rant for tonight, I really wish... but I wrote a poem tonight about drugs and how a certain someone makes me feel. Like,

"The pot smoke that crawls through my
lungs, that makes me gasp for breath, I
find myself feeling this sensation like
your kiss.

Your lips are so full, so plump, they remind me of
a peach, as I lick and kiss them softly, sweetly, as
if afraid to break the skin, the delicate skin, which
pot smoke has traveled through so many times..."

It's a really rough draft, since I just got the idea at work tonight and wrote a sketch down. I love when you start rambling on in your thoughts and one just pops out at you. That's what happened to me. This is the first time I've gotten around to writing for the hell of it this summer. I should send this to my poetry teacher, I think she might like this poem...

"...and that is why Ecstasy is the prime factor; the main
factor; the one true factor. Marijuana, alcohol, Special
K all adds up to this blurred, whirlwind of emotion. The
kisses intensify, the touch of your hands makes my body sweat
even more so then the ecstasy which is dilating my

pupils, making my heart beat faster, making me remember that
this is all too real, try and calm down. But no, keep going, go
faster, harder. Do you, you have to. The kisses, the touch, the feel
of you pressed up against me, and then you look at me..."

Writing tonight, even writing this, has made me feel better. I still want to go to bed though, because I feel like I am invisible in this household, absolutly have no say in anything. My posessions are worthless, my opinions thrown out the window. I'm only good to get yelled at for things I didn't do. Fuck this. But somehow, thinking about him makes everything okay. Especially when he rubs his cheek aganist mine, when we're driving in his car and he'll look over and smile, that grin he gets when I do something silly...

We'll never be, but at least we still have each other when he's in town. Him and his hands that search my body, as if looking for buried treasure. Him and that smile that will always spark when I'm around...

God, I wish he wasn't sleeping right now. I wish he was up here, and not all the way down there. But this weekend, after he comes home, I'm going to see him, and I can feel his breath aganist me once again...

"...in the eye. Brown on Brown. Boy on Girl. And the world
stops, and all I can hear is my heart beating. Your hands are on my
thighs, your lips are pressed together, your eyes are staring into
my soul.

I want you, I want this. Whether on or off drugs, this is
you, and me. This is us. Our own fantasy, where the sky is
green, the clouds are not stained with rain, and the pills are
plentiful. This is it. This is our world, my world, my own."

I fucking told you it's really rough!! It'll get better though, my writing will intensify and knock your fucking teeth out.

I'm really starting to think about possibly teaching writing. I'm a little unsure about that though, but a lot of doors are opened to me... I just have to choose the right one...

Rhetoric, Publishing, Writing... what one do I choose?

My mind is starting to drift, I can feel it starting to slip into slumber mode...

wait...

"Okay... now the monster is awake.... it won't rest until there's nothing left... maybe ever and anon... i forget about the pain... some bending light comes along... and flowers lean towards the sun... some people fall in love and touch the sky... some people fall in love and touch the sky... some people fall in love and find quicksand... i'm somewhere in between... i swear... i can't make up my mind..." -Incubus, Quicksand

With the leaves the trees and the bees and the things...

So I've been pretty much working past 8 days straight, with no intention of slowing down. It's very frustrating because I have nothing to show for it. I'm in debt, and I can feel my roommates (oh yeah, that whole move thing actually happened) starting to get aggravated at me at how I can't even afford food. Or gas. Or going to the doctors because I need to go to the doctors. I've been really sick. Or a new phone charger...
So my sister, her boyfriend, and my nephew all moved in. We're one big dysfunctional family. It's pretty awesome. My Mom is now living with my Dad in New Hampshire. I've apparently gotten in charge of my grand parents, which is always a fun task. You know, taking Oma shopping and to other such places, calling them, whatevs.
Is it sad that I haven't even looked at my grades from spring semester? I do, but at the same time I don't care. I know I did good, haven't gotten any letters saying how much I suck at school.
Ok, so I feel like I'm holding things back here. I'm extremely frustrated with everything. All of the above, and I feel like drinking tonight, cause when ever I have money I always make sure to buy some sort of alcohol in surplus. Call me an alcoholic, I don't care, I'm in college still, got that one more straggling semester hanging over my head.
I guess it just feels weird living with my sister, her boyfriend, and her son. I feel like... the "Outcasted Aunt" or something. The one who has no money but all she does is work... and drink. Eh, it's like some stupid real life show that everyone loves to watch because of situations like this. The aunt is freakin out, and the happy couple is in the other room watchin tv, eating Wendy's, and their son is asleep upstairs. When they leave to go grocery shopping, I'm in charge of doing some cleaning because I can't say no. What's even more frustrating is that they eat my food, but as soon as I eat theirs I hafta pay for it. I also love getting yelled at for not putting my dishes away when CLEARLY I do.
I should get my own place, and I really want to. I mean, I love the freedom, but I hate the roomies. It's only been like two weeks and I'm already feeling like this. Ridic.

I'm stuck though, no money, no other place to live, and I get to live with these people. I feel like I'm in the way, and I'm getting fucked over. This is my new life. Welcome to it.

Welcome to where time stands still
No one leaves and no one will
Moon is full, never seems to change
Just labeled mentally deranged
Dream the same thing every night
I see our freedom in my sight
No locked doors, no windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred
Sleep, my friend, and you will see
That dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
Can't they see it's why my brain says “rage”
Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone...

I got this!

So I probably shouldn't be writing but I am. It appears that my absence in the Rochester area this weekend was felt mostly on the massive amounts of homework I am currently encountering. I have papers due, portfolios due, but no exams, thank god on that part.

Was my absence worth it? Of course. I had a fabulous weekend. I came home Sunday and tried doing homework but could not get myself to do any. I did some, but not a whole lot. I'm thinking of trying to pull an all-nighter tonight to get this crap done, since stress from my life is starting to weigh itself onto my shoulders. It was such a nice weekend though.

I have also decided that I'm going to either trade in my car or make it better. It's a '99 Subaru Legacy with 52,000 miles on it. Yeah, a 10-year old car with 52K. Pretty sweet, but it needs some work. There are a few dents in it from it's previous owner, and I would like it to perform better. If I do end up getting a new car I want Camaro. Those things are HOT. The new ones look fabulous as well. The reason why fixing up my car is the better choice is that I plan on, now that I think about what I said last time, trying to stay in the States until I get my foot in the publishing door. I'm looking into wither Boston or NYC, and I wouldn't need a car in both of those places. It would probably be sitting in my parents garage in NH. I would hate to have a new 2010 Chevy Camaro just sitting there gathering dust.

I bought my first suit today as well. I went to the mall to buy nail clippers and ended up buying a $200 suit. Not bad, it'll be good for graduations this year, weddings this summer, and to wear when I go in for job interviews in the fall. I must have lost weight cause my ass can squeeze into a size 4 now... sweet. Wish I was thinner, like always.

I feel myself starting to ramble because I reallllly don't want to write papers, but I have to. I have a feeling I should go to the store and buy some energy shots and some junk food cause this procrastinating is awful. One of my papers has to be 15-20 pages long... and I have 8 or 9. I can't remember. I got up early this morning to write part of it. Ah, well...

If I update this later don't be surprised. It'll probably be me trying to stay awake... or being aggravated with my work.

In the words of Whitney K...

"I don't consider myself an American. Just because I live here doesn't mean I belong. My family comes from Europe, and I long to return there. My opportunity to attend Grad School in the UK is starting to grow, and I plan on taking that opportunity with open arms."

To add on, I honestly have never felt like I belonged in this country. I've always dreamt how my grandmother and my mom must have been when they were in Europe. I see pictures, I hear stories, and I long to experience it for myself. I will if I get the chance, believe me.

Let me tell you something realll quick. I'm under a lot of stress in school, okay? I have projects, final papers, hours for interning, and exams due and I only have a month left to do all of them. Damn, I feel screwed already. Where did this semester go? It seems just yesturday that it was February, but no, it's the end of March. If I were graduating this semester and not in the fall, yeah, I'd be flipping out like a lot of my friends are doing.

Also, I'd like to state that no one owns me, okay? Can we just get that CLEAR? I believe strongly in women's rights. I'm not sorry for believeing in it, and when a guy says, "Yeah, you'll do what I say cause I own you," then no, that's a huge red flag. Sorry to say it, but that's just how it is. Maybe the whole "I do the Vagina Monologues" thing didn't tick you off with that idea, but I'm telling it to you in writing. No one owns me, so get used to it. If you can't, then you can leave. Simple as that.

And I honestly forgot about this... and I left it open all night... but we're good.

OH! Yeah and people who think that "o hey, I miss you soo much Whitney, let's hang out soon" when you were such a bitch to me (like demanding time to see me and not understanding that I'm busy as hell) and took me off your friends list on fb... you THINK you can come back to me that easily? No. No, you can't. You people don't understand how busy I am. I'm not going to drop everything and hang out with you, especially when you were such a bitch to me. I love it how you people think.

But hey, I have better things to do then bitch about stupid shit. I have an internship that is pretty much offering me a part-time job that I might take. I am just about to go there for 10 hours as I type this. I'm starting to think of my philosophy presentation that's due sometime in early April and I'm beginning to understand what it's all about; what the author is trying to say about impurity. I got better things to do then bitch about crap, but sometimes it just feels great to bitch.

I Told Myself

I told myself I was going to try and not go online today; not even turn the computer on, but here I am typing after a day full of reading, getting coffee and contemplating whether I should go on the computer at all.
I'm not even on my own computer, I'm on my mothers.
I just got off of spring break. I didn't do anything special for spring break besides errands, shopping, a hint of partying and sleeping; lots of that.
After a late night food run with the boy last night, and some heavy talking in the car about our futures, it has accured to me that a lot of people think I am going to get the career I want. I was even told today that with the amount of drive I have I will successfully get it.
Other people think I will, I am nervous about it.
Maybe it's because I know that someday I will probably start a family, and the career I want might but that in danger, but I really want to help people and stop hate in this world. I tried nursing, I tried psychology, and none of that stuff appealed to me. English has and rhetoric has as well. Especially rhetoric. Words have such a high impact on every day life. How you choose to say words, type words, even define words has a great effect on people. Like the word effect, should it be affect or effect? What is the difference? That's where vocabulary comes in. If I were to say vocab instead of vocabulary how would you percieve me?
Rhetoric is an extremely powerful tool today in our society. If you know me, and I've probably said it before, but I want to get my masters in rhetoric and composition. Picking apart the logos, ethos and pathos of a desired text, for example the text of the "Letter from Birmingham City Jail" written by Martin Luther King Jr.; one could write a book about just that letter because it has been said that it is one of the most important documents of the civil rights movement. Read it sometime, it's worth it.
And then there's the people saying how Obama's January 20th speech was no good, when really if you look at it and pick it apart it's quite a good speech. When you hear someone speak, it has a different effect then reading what they're saying. Going to MLK's "I Have a Dream" speech, I read it at first, and was like "okay, so he repeats this and does this" but when I heard it, watched it, followed along with it, it became an extremely powerful speech.
I swear to god I had a point with this. Oh, yeah...
A lot of people think rhetoric is bad. It's not. Don't listen to what the news say about "there was some rhetoric in the white house today" when it happens every day. Not all rhetoric is bad. I mean hell it's happening right now, I'm telling my point about how rhetoric is useful and how I want to get into it as a career. It happens to us without us even knowing. And now I'm stopping :)
The composition part would deal with how things are structured; how rhetoric is successfully structured in a speech, in a paper, what have you.
It hit me today, again, that I am graduating this year. I have my associates and soon I will have my bachelors. Damn. The closer graduation gets, the more it hits me. Maybe I'll actually cry at this graduation. I did not cry at my high school or 2-year graduation because I was excited to move on. Even though I am excited for what the future holds, it's just the real world is coming up fast.
It is a beautiful day out in upstate. School starts up tomorrow, and this has been a fabulous break from my work. The work will get harder though as the semester draws nearer. Final exams, papers, projects will soon take over my life and my very relaxing week, which I have taken for granted, I will long for. Days of just waking up and lounging in bed for an hour, cuddling, will be gone. Alarm clocks will rule my life, whether waking up or just napping. My diet will be out of whack, living on espresso shots and sugar, and I will long for being able to sit down and write what I want, not what other people want me to.
Ah college life, how I'm going to miss you.

Kay.

Bleeker: Hi. Hey, did you like put a 100 things of tic-tacs in my mailbox?
Juno: Oh, yea, that was me.
Bleeker: Heh, why?
Juno: Well, you know their your fav, and you know you can never have too many of your favorite 1 calorie breath mints.
Bleeker: Well thanks I think I’m pretty much set until college on the tic-tac front.
Juno: You know Bleek, I was thinking, and I’m sorry I was such a huge bitch to you. You don’t deserve it.
Bleeker: That’s okay, you know, that’s okay.
Juno: And also, um… I think I’m in love with you.
Bleeker: You mean as friends?
Juno: No, I mean for real. Cause you’re like the coolest person I’ve ever met and you don’t even have to try.
Bleeker: I try really hard actually.

I always seem to get in trouble. I'm about to again.

I'm writing another paper on cannibalism, this time on how it's a race issue. Sounds fabulous.

I graduate in a December.

I have yet to apply to graduate schools, but shortly I'll start. Rhetoric and Composition is looking like a prime choice, along with Publishing and Editing. I'm looking into Emerson, Northeastern, Mich St, Penn St, and NYU.

I still hafta take that damn test. I really don't want to. Really, really don't want to.

I should post some of my writings I've been writing for my poetry class. I think they're good, but that doesn't mean other people think they are. I've been experimenting with different styles such as sestinas and and pantoums. I usaully write prose but the styles are always fun. You probably don't think so though.

I haven't really written anything freely this semester so far, and it's half way over. Maybe it's because I've been so stressed out with school and trying to get the massive amounts of reading/writing/studying done.

Life is okay though. My mother and I are aight. (God, did I just say aight?) I'm still nervous about my sister, her boyfriend and my nephew moving in. Hopefully she'll be more flexible then my Mother. I think I've said this before, but I really don't want her to be like my Mom. She's my effing sister, not my Mom.

I'm a little sore right now, but in all the right places.

Sundays have seemed to become my day of rest. After a heavy night of drinking, Sundays are a sort of relief; a day to catch our breath and prepare us for the week ahead. Every Sunday I seem to take a huge gasp of air and dive right into the week. Spring break is next week. I cannot wait. Even though I'm not going anywhere I plan on sleeping, a lot.

Also, I don't need knee surgery which is a good thing. Just lots of rest. Seeing the doc on Wednesday to decide what the hell is going on in the knee area.

Oh, and I think my last post dealt with something coming? Well it did, and it's still throwing rocks at me. The constant thought of what I'm going to do after graduation, what my career is going to be, everything hit me. It's a constant struggle.

Oh well.

Back to homework...

Cause we belong together now yeah
Forever united here somehow yeah
You got a piece of me and honestly
My life would suck without you

Warning Shot

"I feel something is coming,
Coming like a rhino on his hind legs
Is about to storm in and kick me
Down so hard the wind will be knocked
Out of my beating chest and I’ll finally be
Dead.

I’m either on the verge of a break through
Or the verge of a break down
I haven’t decided which one yet but neither
Can be good, especially in my condition
The condition of anxious, fear, depression and
Suicide.

I feel a certain numbing pumping through
My veins, as if the ice from outside is captivating
Itself into my body. I look fragile, I feel like death
Everything is not going the way I want it to
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this
I want it to stop

But at the same time I don’t.
Something good must come out of this,
It always does.
A break down during a break through, or a
Break through during a break down?
Whichever one leads me, I’ll take it."

Just wrote that, still a little shaky. Might need to clean it up a bit later...

Fuckers.