And I Watched the World Change...

Today was the first day since Friday I saw her put her eyeliner on. Her crying has been so frequent it has been unnessecary for her to sleek that black pencil under her white eyes. Now that things have changed, she realized that things were not going back to the way they were. Change was in the air. It came just like the thunderstorms that pounded their way outside our window.

While my life was changing, hers was to. He had left her, because he got cold feet like so many other men I have met, loved, loathed, left. My world was changing because a certain boy was now in it, this boy that captivated my senses, made me walk on air. It's so weird to see how hers is falling apart while mine is building back up.

I look at her, sitting next to me, and I remember how weak she was when we were up till 4am talking. I know she will become stronger after this. She has to, she needs to.

I glance at my nephew, who is building a fort in the room opposite and I wonder how he will act when he hears the news that this "cockroach" as I call him is not coming back.

The "cockroach" is not here. I'm glad he's not. I really want to throw his stuff out of the house, break his PS3 because that seems to be his heart. Break it like he broke my sisters. The pieces of technology would lay on the floor like the blood from her heart pooling, filled with broken love, trust.

I'm cold. I feel like there is a wind of change galloping through our house. I feel it, my sister feels it. The windows are closed, the blinds are opened.

I watched the world change before my eyes. Opened, aware, focused. Things will get better, things will be fine. I get to play mother, aunt, sister. Guardian, caregiver, concierge, friend. Lover, stranger, better in the end, things will get better...

I am aware now of how everything's gonna be fine...

Killwhitneydead tonight. Vip passes. Sweet deal.

I am prepared now and I am fine again.

This subject changed.

Beyond irritated tonight. Like beyoooond. I'm so done with this place. This is bullshit.

First off, to someone special, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'm so sick and tired of this crap I hafta deal with because of you. Never talk to me again. I'm so glad I didn't see you this weekend or I would've probably punched your face in.

Secondly, I'm tired. Very, very tired.

But...

Thirdly...

This weekend is most likely going to rock. Rave on Friday seeing some of my RIT loves (<3) but only if I don't pass out from working 7 days straight. Saturday I'm hanging out with Mr. (insert a witty nickname for him here), then Monday someone comes to visit for a few days!! Killwhitneydead is on Tuesday as well, which is going to be fabulous.

I got my independent study on Bertrand Russell for my final semester. I'm starting it now because it's gonna take that long. I'm psyched but it's gonna be a lot of work. I hafta read 7 of his books, including his Nobel prize winning one: The History of Western Philosophy. Ouch, but it's gonna be so worth it.

I really wish I had a rant for tonight, I really wish... but I wrote a poem tonight about drugs and how a certain someone makes me feel. Like,

"The pot smoke that crawls through my
lungs, that makes me gasp for breath, I
find myself feeling this sensation like
your kiss.

Your lips are so full, so plump, they remind me of
a peach, as I lick and kiss them softly, sweetly, as
if afraid to break the skin, the delicate skin, which
pot smoke has traveled through so many times..."

It's a really rough draft, since I just got the idea at work tonight and wrote a sketch down. I love when you start rambling on in your thoughts and one just pops out at you. That's what happened to me. This is the first time I've gotten around to writing for the hell of it this summer. I should send this to my poetry teacher, I think she might like this poem...

"...and that is why Ecstasy is the prime factor; the main
factor; the one true factor. Marijuana, alcohol, Special
K all adds up to this blurred, whirlwind of emotion. The
kisses intensify, the touch of your hands makes my body sweat
even more so then the ecstasy which is dilating my

pupils, making my heart beat faster, making me remember that
this is all too real, try and calm down. But no, keep going, go
faster, harder. Do you, you have to. The kisses, the touch, the feel
of you pressed up against me, and then you look at me..."

Writing tonight, even writing this, has made me feel better. I still want to go to bed though, because I feel like I am invisible in this household, absolutly have no say in anything. My posessions are worthless, my opinions thrown out the window. I'm only good to get yelled at for things I didn't do. Fuck this. But somehow, thinking about him makes everything okay. Especially when he rubs his cheek aganist mine, when we're driving in his car and he'll look over and smile, that grin he gets when I do something silly...

We'll never be, but at least we still have each other when he's in town. Him and his hands that search my body, as if looking for buried treasure. Him and that smile that will always spark when I'm around...

God, I wish he wasn't sleeping right now. I wish he was up here, and not all the way down there. But this weekend, after he comes home, I'm going to see him, and I can feel his breath aganist me once again...

"...in the eye. Brown on Brown. Boy on Girl. And the world
stops, and all I can hear is my heart beating. Your hands are on my
thighs, your lips are pressed together, your eyes are staring into
my soul.

I want you, I want this. Whether on or off drugs, this is
you, and me. This is us. Our own fantasy, where the sky is
green, the clouds are not stained with rain, and the pills are
plentiful. This is it. This is our world, my world, my own."

I fucking told you it's really rough!! It'll get better though, my writing will intensify and knock your fucking teeth out.

I'm really starting to think about possibly teaching writing. I'm a little unsure about that though, but a lot of doors are opened to me... I just have to choose the right one...

Rhetoric, Publishing, Writing... what one do I choose?

My mind is starting to drift, I can feel it starting to slip into slumber mode...

wait...

"Okay... now the monster is awake.... it won't rest until there's nothing left... maybe ever and anon... i forget about the pain... some bending light comes along... and flowers lean towards the sun... some people fall in love and touch the sky... some people fall in love and touch the sky... some people fall in love and find quicksand... i'm somewhere in between... i swear... i can't make up my mind..." -Incubus, Quicksand

With the leaves the trees and the bees and the things...

So I've been pretty much working past 8 days straight, with no intention of slowing down. It's very frustrating because I have nothing to show for it. I'm in debt, and I can feel my roommates (oh yeah, that whole move thing actually happened) starting to get aggravated at me at how I can't even afford food. Or gas. Or going to the doctors because I need to go to the doctors. I've been really sick. Or a new phone charger...
So my sister, her boyfriend, and my nephew all moved in. We're one big dysfunctional family. It's pretty awesome. My Mom is now living with my Dad in New Hampshire. I've apparently gotten in charge of my grand parents, which is always a fun task. You know, taking Oma shopping and to other such places, calling them, whatevs.
Is it sad that I haven't even looked at my grades from spring semester? I do, but at the same time I don't care. I know I did good, haven't gotten any letters saying how much I suck at school.
Ok, so I feel like I'm holding things back here. I'm extremely frustrated with everything. All of the above, and I feel like drinking tonight, cause when ever I have money I always make sure to buy some sort of alcohol in surplus. Call me an alcoholic, I don't care, I'm in college still, got that one more straggling semester hanging over my head.
I guess it just feels weird living with my sister, her boyfriend, and her son. I feel like... the "Outcasted Aunt" or something. The one who has no money but all she does is work... and drink. Eh, it's like some stupid real life show that everyone loves to watch because of situations like this. The aunt is freakin out, and the happy couple is in the other room watchin tv, eating Wendy's, and their son is asleep upstairs. When they leave to go grocery shopping, I'm in charge of doing some cleaning because I can't say no. What's even more frustrating is that they eat my food, but as soon as I eat theirs I hafta pay for it. I also love getting yelled at for not putting my dishes away when CLEARLY I do.
I should get my own place, and I really want to. I mean, I love the freedom, but I hate the roomies. It's only been like two weeks and I'm already feeling like this. Ridic.

I'm stuck though, no money, no other place to live, and I get to live with these people. I feel like I'm in the way, and I'm getting fucked over. This is my new life. Welcome to it.

Welcome to where time stands still
No one leaves and no one will
Moon is full, never seems to change
Just labeled mentally deranged
Dream the same thing every night
I see our freedom in my sight
No locked doors, no windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred
Sleep, my friend, and you will see
That dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
Can't they see it's why my brain says “rage”
Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone...