Boredom?

Now that the semester is pretty much to a close, I must admit that I have no clue what to do. I want to relax, but I don't want to watch t.v., I don't want to read, I don't want to watch any of my movies... I guess it just feels weird to actually not be stressed out.
I've got a few writings I'm editing right now, and a few more on my mind to start, but I don't know if I should write even tonight. I have work tomorrow at 9am, but I still want to be productive. This includes not going to bed until a few hours from now.
This is one way how I'm like my Dad is that I cannot not do anything. I have to be doing something all the time. I've been told by multiple people that I should go on a vacation. Personally, with that money I could finish my left arm tattoo.
I kind of don't know why I'm typing this entry up, since I have nothing really to say other than I'm bored for the first time in months. I don't know what to do with myself.

This is the most pointless entry yet. I'm going to go write.

Melancholy

My Dad just got home, and I already am hating the holiday season.
I know he was tired, but him and my mom are looking down on me going anywhere but Emerson college, since I'll be close to where they're moving and they want me to be close to them. I explained to them that they should be thankful that I'm not moving to the West coast, which is what I really want to do. I'm sick of the East Coast. I hate the weather- the cold and snow especially. Everyday last week I woke up and the first thing I said was "Fuck." Then I'd clean off my car and curse and curse...
Also, my Dad is acting different towards me now. I think it's because my mom and I got into a very physical fight yesturday, and if I wouldn't of stopped myself I would've beat the shit out of her. She needs to stop hitting me. I really am going to flip, but it's only on her... maybe it's because she does this too much. And she's the one who hits me first. Well damn, I hope yesturday taught her a lesson to not hit me anymore. Fuck her, I don't need her. She's already kicking me out of the house next semester before she puts the house up for sale. Where the fuck am I going to live? You told me I could live with until I got my degree. Yeah, love you too, you fucking cunt.
I think my parents are afarid of what my sister and I are going to become. I want all these degrees and all they think about are student loans. I think of the knowledge and the amount of jobs I can get if I get all these degrees, which is also how my sister thinks. I also feel that they are starting to feel inferior to me and my sister, since none of my parents went to college, and here are their girls, one wants to become a lawyer (and will become one), and the other wants to become a publisher.
I really want to write a memoir on my family. Have I mentioned that? I need to find time to start it. I was going to have my mom help out, but I think I won't anymore. I know she doesn't want me telling the world about how messed up our family is, but too bad. I'm going to do it. I think you get a taste of it in just my blog...
I love my job though. Black Friday is coming up and I'm psyched. I love the new shirts, the atmosphere, the people. It's gonna be a blast, minus the insane amount of people that are going to be in our store, but still I know we'll make it fun... somehow.
God, just bringing up the fight between me and my mom is making me upset. It seemed so unreal. I have never been so aggressive towards her like that. I feel kind of bad, but damn. She fucking hits hard, and the way she shoved my face... I really want to get out of here. I wonder if that's bad that I want to do that...
It's like, the two people who I get most compared to in my family is my deceased grandmother and my aunt. My aunt, who is still alive, has tattoos (like me) and I guess I act like she did when she was my age, besides being married. I mean, she got married when she was 20, got divorced, lived by herself for a while, married someone from her highschool, and had my cousin, who I absolutely love. Amanda is my second sister. My grandmother, named Irene, was a feminist. Even though I hate to call myself one, she would've been proud for me acting in the Vagina Monologues, fighting for female equality, and being strong and going to college. I'm passionate about what I believe in, and so was she. She never married my Dad's father, actually never got married in general, but she still kicked ass. My mom tells me she was stubborn, how I guess I am, and then mom bitches how I'm not open-minded, and then we fight and fight....
Fuck I really need to get out of here. I have so much homework to do, but I just can't do it right now. I need to get to bed. hate feeling this way. I just want things to be how they were before. I was happy, I didn't feel so angry like this. My mom even told me she deosn't expect me to get married. My sister is pretty much engaged, and my mom looooves that. She's eating it up. She did the same thing when my sister got pregnant with my nephew. It's like, my sister has this adorable son, and has a wonderful boyfriend, and I have nothing. All I have are my writings, which my parents don't like to read. I was published in my literary magazine last semester at school, and the poem I wrote was a tanka poem about self-mutilation and my parents were proud of me, but when they learned what it was about... not so much.
I don't get it why. One of the first things my dad asked me today when he got home was how I was doing without my medication. I was sort of ticked that he asked me that, probably trying to tell me that I should go see my psychatrist again cause he probably thinks I have anger issues. I DONT. I'm a non-violent person, just when your mom keeps hitting you, you'll eventually get sick and tired of it and fight back. Maybe I should go talk to Pam again, I don't know. She'll be pissed at me probably for not seeing her in so long (May to be exact), but I guess I should go see her. Fuck, I really hate having it boil down to that. I don't need medication, I just needs things to change. I need to get out of here.
While typing this, I have spilled tears and pulled my hair. I really hate feeling this way. I feel trapped, claustrophobic. I long for sleep, but it does not come easily. I hate waking, knowing the amount of work that seems to never go away no matter how much I get done. I want to get out. I am determined to, and I know I will, I just hope it's soon...

No title for this one, please.

End of the semester stress is starting to mount on me. I'm in the middle of reading a book for pleasure, and I hope to write a review for that when I'm finished. I find it hard to read anything for pleasure when after I'm done reading the assigned readings from my books for school I always end up falling asleep. This actually just happened, and I was awaken by my mother yelling at me. Little does she know I have a jug of Bacardi and Patron in my car, ready to be consumed for tonight and Saturday night activites. I'm quite pissed off she woke me up, but I guess now I can finish my homework, ignore my research projects until Friday night, and do my "I get shit-faced drunk, how do you handle stress?" impersenation.
I've been wanting to write, but have had no time or no drive to. It's not that I have the dreaded writer's block, it's just that I'm actually afarid to speak my mind now. (When the hell did this happen?)
But I will say this.
John Dewey believed that morals can be changed when they didn't serve a purpose to society. He believed in real consequences and effects. The real here, and now is something he also believed in. "As things change, knowledge arises." I hate it when people say "change is bad. I'm sick of hearing about change." You are closed-minded. This country NEEDS to change. It will change for the better (hopefully) but it's going to need your help. If you people can't look past the color of his skin and his middle name of our upcomnig president, when he was named after his Dad, then get the hell out of the country. We don't need you racist ignorant people who don't think a "black dude" should be in the white house. Maybe you don't want change because it brings knowledge, and knowledge is something you fear because it brings you furthur away from this apparent crackpot in the sky.
I was looking at the TIME magazine commemorative issue for Barack, and when they showed 4 states that were battle ground states (Montana, Missouri, Indiana, and North Carolina) all of the counties that had major cities in those states (excluding Jefferson City) were blue. A majority of the counties that were rural were red. A few counties that were red since 1996 in such states as Colorado, Ohio and Virginia have turned blue. People seem to want change, since this asshole who somehow got elected in 2000 and re-elected in 2004 has turned this country upside-down. 1.20.09 will be an awesome day that's for sure. And even though I'm sure I'll be in school and freezing cold I'll still have a smile on my face because the 43rd president has packed his bags and gotten the hell out of the white house.
I feel like my ranting has gone too long, and that I need to finish writing this paper for my postcolonialism class, so I can take a shower and leave my Mom for the night. I also just have gotten another tattoo idea, which I will probably get in a few weeks.

...and I'm feeling good...

November 4th, 2008, Election Day in the United States of America. I had my crutch under my arm, and my Obama shirt on as I went to the polls. As I walked out of the poll booth, I began limping away, as I hear someone behind me yell at me, “EXCUSE ME!” I turned around and looked at a man who I had to look down at. It was some old man, with gray hair peeking out from under his Confederate Flag hat, with a dirty black sweatshirt on and some jeans, just as dirty. He bellowed at me, “Isn’t that illegal?” I looked around, and the moderator who was right next to me looked around to. “Is what illegal?” She asked. “Her shirt!” The moderator looked at the man, still pointing at me, “They didn’t tell us anything about people not being able to wear candidates shirts—“ “It’s been all over the news!” The old man barked. I spoke up, “Look, sir, I can take the shirt off, I have another shirt underneath—“ “Isn’t that illegal?” He barked again. I looked at him, “Look, sir, I hope you know this but the South lost, so get over it. And you’re living in New York now, which was not even apart of the South.” I stormed out as fast as I could on my crutch, my Mother now close behind me. She asks, “What was that all about?” “Ah,” I say, “just some racist upset because his douche bags aren’t going to win in the election.” My Mother sighs, “You are such a rebel.” I have talked to other people from different poll stations that have said other people have worn McCain shirts, as well as Obama, but have not gotten in trouble for it.

But now, Obama has proven that, and everyone who doubted a black man could become president wrong. Obama won the popular vote, and also won the electoral vote with almost 200 more points then John McCain. As I was in the ER, I watched CNN non-stop until 1am. When the polls closed in California, Washington and Oregon, and they projected him the winner for presidency, I was speechless. I was dancing in my bed the best that I could. Everyone was coming in and talking to me, and watching the great news with my Mother, and me. Even the guy next to me was thrilled. As my Mother and I watched his winning speech, I could see her wiping her eyes with enjoyment. “Yes Mom,” I told her, “you just helped make history.”

When I heard that the Illinois Senator, Barack Obama, was running for president, I had no clue what to expect. “An African-American is running for President?” I asked, “This is going to be interesting.” I didn’t think that because I am racist, but because I know there is so much racism and hate still towards people of different skin color in our country. I began researching him, getting to know what he thought about certain issues, and by the time Iowa had come along, I was cheering him on. When I saw that he had won in Iowa, I was excited. I knew he was going to make it. Even when times looked grim, and the constant struggles with Hillary, he would not give up. He knew he needed to change our country, and would fight with every thing he had. When he won the Democratic nomination, I was thrilled, and became even more of a supporter.

When John McCain picked Sarah Palin as his choice for VP, I was honestly shocked and insulted that he decided to pick this unknown bimbo from Alaska, who had barely any political experience, got a bachelor’s degree in journalism in 6 years from 5 different colleges, etc, etc. When Hillary was in the race, there had been talks about the first female president, so McCain decided he would try and make the first female VP, but picked a horrible choice. We females are not stupid. Why would we vote for a candidate who is a female, like us, but did not believe in giving us freedom of choice- freedom to do whatever we want with our bodies? Why should I sell my uterus to the government? After that gimmick appeared, I fought long and hard for Obama, for fear of what would happen if the Republicans had their way with the United States again.

As I was waiting for my Mom to come get me from the ER, I sat in a wheelchair, watching CNN as President Bush was coughing up some words on how he was excited to have Obama become the 44th president. His words were not sincere. I didn’t buy it.

I voted and support Barack Obama because of the change I hope he brings to our country in need of it. The past 8 years have been nothing but downhill, and hopefully Obama can push it uphill again. As he said in his winning speech, “I’m going to need your help, America,” and he will need our help. This is why our country has been failing, is because Bush thought he could do it all by himself. The country needs to come together, to unite, and look past the differences between race, gender, sexual orientation, disability, origin, etc. We need to stop being so hateful, so racist and help each other out.

I am excited for January 20th, 2009. I have hope in my nation now. My country is going to be lead under a great man. The past 8 years have been nothing but secrets and lies to our country, and hopefully that will change. The economy, health care, the War, foreign dependency on natural resources… I hope those changes for the better. I have faith that Barack Obama can deliver what he promised the millions of American’s who are anxiously waiting his first day in office.

As Michelle McManus once sung, “It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life… for me. And I’m feeling good.”

Sunday.

It's daylight savings today. Going to bed at 3am, when it felt like 4am was not bad. I got up around 9, and I acutally went to church with my parents.

It was my pastor's last day today, so i went because I have grown up with him. He's an extremely nice guy, and as I was saying goodbye, his wife also talked to me. I don't think I've ever talked to her alone before.

We all know how I feel about church, and religion in general, so as I was sitting there I was looking around at the children. Some of them were coloring, others were silent and following along, and others were just being plain out braty. I saw them sing along with the hymns, say the prayers which they have been told to say, and watched them as they left. It's been awhile since I've been to church, but I think that this trip is the last time I will ever set foot in a church.

These children are our future, sadly. I was looking through the bullention and I was reading one of the lessons from today. It's from Relevations and deals with how the Angels were crying because they were praising God. The last quote from the reading was, "And God will wipe away every tear that falls from their eyes." I leaned over to Mom and asked her why they were crying. She replied, "Because they went to a better place." "So, wouldn't they be happy? If they were tears of joy, why would God be wiping them away? Why are they tears of sorrow if they're in a better place?" She was silent. This shit makes no sense.

If I were to ever have a kid, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny would not be in our tradition. Why would I lie to my kids about imaginary things? I would not take them to church. My child would not have a religion. If they wanted to worship God though I would not stop them.

Things may change, but I doubt they will. As time has passed, I have come to the realization that I will probably never be engaged ever again, or give birth to any kids. I was telling my mother this and she snaps back, "so get a dog, or a cat." "Mom, I'm really allergic..." "Well, get a fish." "But they are boring." I know my Mom has a sense of my growing anger, which has grown frightenly high over the past few weeks, and she's probably afarid that I'm going to yell at her, or that we'll get into a fight. I told my Father about how she doubts my sister and I will get into grad school after our bachelors, and he told me, "she doesn't know what it's like in college." Damn straight she doesn't know. It just worries me that my own Mother doens't have faith in her daughters. Fuck that.

I also have been told that I have an attitude problem, which made me laugh. I'm sorry I call people out when they're being douchebags and I tell the truth. Maybe that's why no one wants to date me, because I speak my mind and girls aren't supposed to do that. All guys ever want from me is a lay.

Oh yeah, I find this amusing. My Mother during church started to cry, so I leaned over and hugged her. She didn't hug back but I thought she might enjoy the comfort. Over the past week, I have acquired a knee injury and as I was hopping over to sit down at the kitchen table, and in the process I hit my knee on the table extremely hard. She just stood there and looked at me as I was trying to not cry out in pain. "Attitude Check: Fuck You."

I cannot wait to see what happens on Tuesday. I have two seperate plans for whoever wins. I'm not going to jinx anything, or spoil anything, but I'm am anxiously looking forward to see if America is really as retarded as I think it is. Don't make me do what I have planned for one of them.

I have ignored my homework all weekend, so I think it's time to start paying attention to it. I have no clue even what any of it is, but I think being on pain medication will make it much more amusing.

I love having these moments.

Yesturday, after my Philosophy of Education class, I had an "aha!" moment. We are starting to touch on female philosophers, which is what I have been meaning to get into, but have been so busy I have not had the chance, until now.

I have been known to be a liberatarian when it comes to political views, libertarian with a left wing twist. We were talking about Mary Wollstonecraft, who was a libertarian herself. I went up to my teacher and started asking her questions about Mary. She smiled and said I should look into Emma Goldman, who we are going to talk about next week. So, after the class ended, I scooted to the library where I checked out one of her books.

I think I have found my new favorite philosopher. Nietzsche and Russell are my two main favorites, but Goldman... holy shit. She did stuff that I have always wanted to do. Which is when I had my "aha" moment. A female anarchist atheist who didn't call herself a feminist but fought very passionalty for female rights. BINGO.

I wrote a 4 page rant a few weeks back on how much Christanity is complete bullshit, and how females should not take societys shit anymore. I'm still editing it, but after I feel confident enough to publish it, I hope to throw it out there. It angers me so much that the gimmick that McCain has chosen to be his Vice President is a female... but is not for female rights. Please, do not insult my intelligence. Sarah is NO Hillary. I would rather have Hillary then Sarah. Hillary actually fights for female rights, not aganist them. I just don't get it why females aren't for protecting their rights. It boggles my mind.

I was up until 330am conversing a few texts with my ex-fiance who decided to text me last night. It got me thinking to when I started getting this way with everything. I know when I was a teenager it started, but it was mostly teenage angst. It was after I was constantly screwed over by men that I started to group my thoughts, and started fighting for a cause. I have a reason to rant, to fight. I am constantly looking for the truth. Religion is not truth. The government is a lie. Don't live for anyone else, but yourself.

I refuse to be silent anymore. As the days go by, more and more do I feel the need to freakin yell at the top of my lungs about how fucking retarded our country, our world is being. I want to help change it. I want to try and open eyes to see what is happening. It's like Platos Cave. I have been set free from the cave, seen the truth, and want to tell the fuckers still mesmorized by the shadows on the wall to turn around, come with me, see the truth. Stop living in a fantasy world and start living in reality. Wake up, take a chance, break free.

"Someone has said that it requires less mental effort to condemn than to think."
THINK: It's Not Illegeal Yet.

Is it okay if I bitch about my mother?

'Cause I'm gonna do it anyways. Okay, a little advice to you, if you see your son or daughter struggling with something they've never done before, don't bark at them, "Don't you know anything?!" Instead, how about you offer to help them? "Oh, wait hun, let me help you with that."

I mean come on! I was doing laundry at my house and I have one of these really adorable sweaterdress' that are in style now. I wore it out a few weeks ago, and I finally have enough things to make a "hand-wash" only load to wash it with, since I don't have a lot of delicate fabrics. So I take it out of the washing machine and it's still soaking wet. I go over to try and put it on a towel to absorb some of the excess water and I get water on the floor. Mother looks over at me and yells at me, "Don't you know anything?!" And, of course me being the bitch I am, start yelling at her to shut the hell up and how I know plenty of things. I was about to tell her to grow up and go get a goddamn college degree, when I decided to try and be nice and ask her, "Hey, look. How about instead of barking at me, and telling me something that we both know is false to try and help me?" So she helps me with the towel, and lays it out on the rack to dry. Mind you, in silence.

Really Mom? Did I have to just tell you to do that? She also told me that, "Wow, you have got quite a mouth on you!" NO SHIT. I live alone with you and you're such a goddamn bitch now a day I have to have a mouth to fight back to your constant attacks. For example: politics. The last presidental debate, dinosaur McCain was speaking and I started mimicking him and, get this, she tells me to have an open mind.

Wait, hold the fucking phone, are you serious? You just told WHITNEY KATHERINE to have an open mind? Are you fucking serious? So, I bark back, "Are you serious, Mom? You just told your own daughter, who you know is more open minded then you, to have an open mind? Have you done any research on this campaign? Have you read what they are saying? Do you even know what these people stand for?" She was silent. I walked away.

Then there's Sarah Palin. Holy Jesus fucking Christ. I told my mother when Sarah was on the news how I didn't like her, and how I thought she was stupid. My mother barked at me, "She's not stupid! She's smart!" I almost died right then and there. "Have you seen her resume? Have you heard her speak? Have you read what she is saying?" She was silent, again. And I walked away.

GAH, someone shoot me now. My Dad is home though, and I tell him all this and he smirks because he knows I'm right. I really wish I could move in with my Dad, but he lives in New Hampshire and soon my Mom will be joining him, so it's kind of useless.

I feel like my "mouth" is a result of all the shit I took from her when I was a teenager. I'm sick and tired of dealing with her crap, so instead of taking the blow, I send a blow back, which usaully causes her to fall down instead of me.

Oh, yeah, she's doing fine from her surgery. The constant attacks on me have become daily, if it isn't obvious. I don't think she likes it how she doesn't have any control over me anymore. Hun, I'm 21, there's nothing you can do. You can't ground me, so good luck trying.

I really can't wait to move out. I'm sorry I didn't get married when i was 19. I'm almost done getting my bachelor's and then I'll be getting my masters, and possibly a PhD. I'm sorry I have more fun then you do when you were my age. I'm sorry you don't even have an associates when I keep telling you to use your experience from the library to use it towards getting some sort of degree in library science. Stop bitching how you want me to be a librarian because you can't be one. Yes, you can. Just get your ass back to school. It doesn't matter if you're 59. I have friend's whose parents are starting their masters and they're in their 50's as well. Stop being embarassed and just go for it. Be strong for gods sake. I hate seeing weak willed people, but that's a whole different story.

Kay, after a quick dinner break, I have admitted to my parents how I have been researching womens literature intensly (mind you, I'm taking a course in womens writing), and how I have become interested in the civil rights movement. My Mother went into the other room when I started talking about Malcolm X, and yelled back, "He was radical!" "Is that why you don't like him, Mother?" "Yeah." Oh okay, so someone fights for what they believe in and speaks their mind so you don't like them. Good job being open-minded, you son of a bitch. But anyways, my Dad sat with me and listened to me and said his point of view, which was he was really glad that I was starting to get into these things. He knows that when I believe in something, I research it and am passionate about it. I search for answers, I am engrossed in truth. I'm not an idiot, okay? My Father knows that and still refers to me to his mother when I get like this. Another thing is that when I start talking about grad school my Mom doesn't pay attention, but yet my Dad does. I just find that funny.

Oh yeah, my Dad was trying to explain baseball to me before dinner. The Rays and Red Sox are going at it to see who plays Philly in the world series. I mean, if I live in Boston I hafta be a fan of the Red Sox. My sister is a huge Yankees fan so this should be fun :) I mean, I'm a huge hockey fan, have been this way since I was in 8th grade, and my team has been the Red Wings for as long as I can remember. Yzerman is going to be coaching the 2010 Olympics, fyi. Soo glad I got his jersey before he retired...

To finish this off, since I have to go get ready to go out, I would like to say that according to dictionary.com, the Spanish word of the day is direccion, which means direction; address. I don't know why, but I find it amusing that they have a spanish word of the day.