I've got some imperfections.

I am quite frustrated right now about a number of things.
I am going to be extremely busy next semester, and my Dad keeps pushing to find someone to date. Yes, okay, so what, I've had love before, and okay, that's great my sister is going to get married, but I don't have time for that. I don't want that right now; the stress of being tied down to someone when I barely have any time for them. It was different when I was at FLCC. I didn't have an internship, a job, and I wasn't in my senior year at a high-ranked college. Also, my Dad is going to find me and my friend a place to live for next semester apparently. I don't know why but I don't believe him. He's finally home after a month of not being home, and he's all "So I hear there's guys interested in you." I don't know why he even cares since he usaully hates all the guys I date. God, typing this is making me want to cry with tears of anger and frustration. It also doesn't help that, o shit, I'm the only single girl in my family. Wow, I just realized that. Yay for being a failure!
Of course I like people, but know that nothing will happen right now due to me being so busy. Here's an excerpt from a rant I wrote back in October::
"Why are you people so closed-minded? Why do my gay friends have to live in fear? Why do my transgender friends have to live in fear? Because it’s against what some people think is “right”, is “normal.” Why do they think that? Because our fucking COUNTRY is based upon Christian morals and ideas. We try so hard to separate church and state when it’s with us all the time. It haunts us everyday. When we hand the cashier a 10-dollar bill it says, “In God We Trust.” Trust in God? Why would I do that when I don’t even know if the fucker is real? Why do we females have to stay silent? Stay at home, do the fucking dishes, cook, and take care of kids? Why must we get married? Why do we have to have kids? Because if you don’t do these things you’re seen as a failure. Oh, and now, if you don’t have a degree higher then a bachelor’s you’re looked down on that too. So, okay, let me get this straight. We’re supposed to graduate from high school, go to college because it’s the right thing to do, get a 4-year degree in something, find a husband throughout all that, get married, have kids and get a career going in-between all that? Yeah, sounds like a fucking blast. It isn’t fun. College is stressful. I’m in my senior year right now, being 2*-years-old, and I have to admit, the only reason why I wanted to get married was because my parents got married young, and so did his. We thought it was the right thing to do."
It's just very frustrating when everyday I see and hear this shit as to how I should date someone. "At least someone!" NO. Fuck off and kindly die thank you. I'll do it when the time is right. Maybe my Dad thinks I'm going to be alone this his Mom was. HA no. Just give me some goddamn time to figure shit out. And by shit I mean not be so busy that I barely have time to sleep, okay?
On the a lighter note, it's Christmas Eve. I'm not all "bahumbug," I actually enjoy this time of year, minus working in retail, the whole holiday thing and the snow. It's mostly because our family gets together. I never see my family, and with my Mom and Dad moving out of state this is our last "End of the year" with them. Eh. that sounds stupid, I guess I'll just say "Holiday Season." Whatever. I doubt next year I'm going to have enough money to go anywhere. I barely have any right now. We'll see I guess.
Also, it gives me an excuse to get drunk around my family, since my family is getting drunk as well. Love it love it love it.
Well, I'm gonna get going, I've ranted enough for the day.
Happy Holidays, or whatever.

A 2am Post.

Eve nif it says a different time when I post this, it's 2am and I cannot sleep. I went to bed around 8-9-10pm with a headache and now I'm wide awake. It's more closer to 3am, but eh.
I'm back into therapy pretty much every week. It's okay, nothing special. What's helping me out is the fact that Mom and I have been getting along much better now. I just hope this keeps up.
What I do not appericate from her is the fact that she's still kicking me out, therefore I will have no where to live during spring semester. I've been trying to save up some money, but things like my car and food keep getting in the way. And now my medicine, which is insanely expensive is racking up a bill. These pills I take can cost up to 300 dollars!!! That's a fucking lot of money, okay? I don't have that just for one month of medication, so my psychatrist told me to get free samples once I get off my health care so I can still take my medicine cause... well damn.
I was at Buffalo Wild Wings tonight and they played Porcupine Tree. I cannot tell you how happy that made because I fucking love Porcupine Tree.
I have an internship next semester most likely, so we'll see what happens there as well.
I wish I had something to write about right now. I feel my head i starting to throb again, which means it wants to go back to bed. I wish I could post a writing or something, but they've been so personal lately that I really don't feel like sharing... for now at least.
And now to be completely random...
It's funny because I thought I knew this one person so well. Now, I feel like I don't even know who they are. I feel like it's my fault, when really it's theirs. They're the one who have changed into this. I miss them so much.

Boredom?

Now that the semester is pretty much to a close, I must admit that I have no clue what to do. I want to relax, but I don't want to watch t.v., I don't want to read, I don't want to watch any of my movies... I guess it just feels weird to actually not be stressed out.
I've got a few writings I'm editing right now, and a few more on my mind to start, but I don't know if I should write even tonight. I have work tomorrow at 9am, but I still want to be productive. This includes not going to bed until a few hours from now.
This is one way how I'm like my Dad is that I cannot not do anything. I have to be doing something all the time. I've been told by multiple people that I should go on a vacation. Personally, with that money I could finish my left arm tattoo.
I kind of don't know why I'm typing this entry up, since I have nothing really to say other than I'm bored for the first time in months. I don't know what to do with myself.

This is the most pointless entry yet. I'm going to go write.

Melancholy

My Dad just got home, and I already am hating the holiday season.
I know he was tired, but him and my mom are looking down on me going anywhere but Emerson college, since I'll be close to where they're moving and they want me to be close to them. I explained to them that they should be thankful that I'm not moving to the West coast, which is what I really want to do. I'm sick of the East Coast. I hate the weather- the cold and snow especially. Everyday last week I woke up and the first thing I said was "Fuck." Then I'd clean off my car and curse and curse...
Also, my Dad is acting different towards me now. I think it's because my mom and I got into a very physical fight yesturday, and if I wouldn't of stopped myself I would've beat the shit out of her. She needs to stop hitting me. I really am going to flip, but it's only on her... maybe it's because she does this too much. And she's the one who hits me first. Well damn, I hope yesturday taught her a lesson to not hit me anymore. Fuck her, I don't need her. She's already kicking me out of the house next semester before she puts the house up for sale. Where the fuck am I going to live? You told me I could live with until I got my degree. Yeah, love you too, you fucking cunt.
I think my parents are afarid of what my sister and I are going to become. I want all these degrees and all they think about are student loans. I think of the knowledge and the amount of jobs I can get if I get all these degrees, which is also how my sister thinks. I also feel that they are starting to feel inferior to me and my sister, since none of my parents went to college, and here are their girls, one wants to become a lawyer (and will become one), and the other wants to become a publisher.
I really want to write a memoir on my family. Have I mentioned that? I need to find time to start it. I was going to have my mom help out, but I think I won't anymore. I know she doesn't want me telling the world about how messed up our family is, but too bad. I'm going to do it. I think you get a taste of it in just my blog...
I love my job though. Black Friday is coming up and I'm psyched. I love the new shirts, the atmosphere, the people. It's gonna be a blast, minus the insane amount of people that are going to be in our store, but still I know we'll make it fun... somehow.
God, just bringing up the fight between me and my mom is making me upset. It seemed so unreal. I have never been so aggressive towards her like that. I feel kind of bad, but damn. She fucking hits hard, and the way she shoved my face... I really want to get out of here. I wonder if that's bad that I want to do that...
It's like, the two people who I get most compared to in my family is my deceased grandmother and my aunt. My aunt, who is still alive, has tattoos (like me) and I guess I act like she did when she was my age, besides being married. I mean, she got married when she was 20, got divorced, lived by herself for a while, married someone from her highschool, and had my cousin, who I absolutely love. Amanda is my second sister. My grandmother, named Irene, was a feminist. Even though I hate to call myself one, she would've been proud for me acting in the Vagina Monologues, fighting for female equality, and being strong and going to college. I'm passionate about what I believe in, and so was she. She never married my Dad's father, actually never got married in general, but she still kicked ass. My mom tells me she was stubborn, how I guess I am, and then mom bitches how I'm not open-minded, and then we fight and fight....
Fuck I really need to get out of here. I have so much homework to do, but I just can't do it right now. I need to get to bed. hate feeling this way. I just want things to be how they were before. I was happy, I didn't feel so angry like this. My mom even told me she deosn't expect me to get married. My sister is pretty much engaged, and my mom looooves that. She's eating it up. She did the same thing when my sister got pregnant with my nephew. It's like, my sister has this adorable son, and has a wonderful boyfriend, and I have nothing. All I have are my writings, which my parents don't like to read. I was published in my literary magazine last semester at school, and the poem I wrote was a tanka poem about self-mutilation and my parents were proud of me, but when they learned what it was about... not so much.
I don't get it why. One of the first things my dad asked me today when he got home was how I was doing without my medication. I was sort of ticked that he asked me that, probably trying to tell me that I should go see my psychatrist again cause he probably thinks I have anger issues. I DONT. I'm a non-violent person, just when your mom keeps hitting you, you'll eventually get sick and tired of it and fight back. Maybe I should go talk to Pam again, I don't know. She'll be pissed at me probably for not seeing her in so long (May to be exact), but I guess I should go see her. Fuck, I really hate having it boil down to that. I don't need medication, I just needs things to change. I need to get out of here.
While typing this, I have spilled tears and pulled my hair. I really hate feeling this way. I feel trapped, claustrophobic. I long for sleep, but it does not come easily. I hate waking, knowing the amount of work that seems to never go away no matter how much I get done. I want to get out. I am determined to, and I know I will, I just hope it's soon...

No title for this one, please.

End of the semester stress is starting to mount on me. I'm in the middle of reading a book for pleasure, and I hope to write a review for that when I'm finished. I find it hard to read anything for pleasure when after I'm done reading the assigned readings from my books for school I always end up falling asleep. This actually just happened, and I was awaken by my mother yelling at me. Little does she know I have a jug of Bacardi and Patron in my car, ready to be consumed for tonight and Saturday night activites. I'm quite pissed off she woke me up, but I guess now I can finish my homework, ignore my research projects until Friday night, and do my "I get shit-faced drunk, how do you handle stress?" impersenation.
I've been wanting to write, but have had no time or no drive to. It's not that I have the dreaded writer's block, it's just that I'm actually afarid to speak my mind now. (When the hell did this happen?)
But I will say this.
John Dewey believed that morals can be changed when they didn't serve a purpose to society. He believed in real consequences and effects. The real here, and now is something he also believed in. "As things change, knowledge arises." I hate it when people say "change is bad. I'm sick of hearing about change." You are closed-minded. This country NEEDS to change. It will change for the better (hopefully) but it's going to need your help. If you people can't look past the color of his skin and his middle name of our upcomnig president, when he was named after his Dad, then get the hell out of the country. We don't need you racist ignorant people who don't think a "black dude" should be in the white house. Maybe you don't want change because it brings knowledge, and knowledge is something you fear because it brings you furthur away from this apparent crackpot in the sky.
I was looking at the TIME magazine commemorative issue for Barack, and when they showed 4 states that were battle ground states (Montana, Missouri, Indiana, and North Carolina) all of the counties that had major cities in those states (excluding Jefferson City) were blue. A majority of the counties that were rural were red. A few counties that were red since 1996 in such states as Colorado, Ohio and Virginia have turned blue. People seem to want change, since this asshole who somehow got elected in 2000 and re-elected in 2004 has turned this country upside-down. 1.20.09 will be an awesome day that's for sure. And even though I'm sure I'll be in school and freezing cold I'll still have a smile on my face because the 43rd president has packed his bags and gotten the hell out of the white house.
I feel like my ranting has gone too long, and that I need to finish writing this paper for my postcolonialism class, so I can take a shower and leave my Mom for the night. I also just have gotten another tattoo idea, which I will probably get in a few weeks.

...and I'm feeling good...

November 4th, 2008, Election Day in the United States of America. I had my crutch under my arm, and my Obama shirt on as I went to the polls. As I walked out of the poll booth, I began limping away, as I hear someone behind me yell at me, “EXCUSE ME!” I turned around and looked at a man who I had to look down at. It was some old man, with gray hair peeking out from under his Confederate Flag hat, with a dirty black sweatshirt on and some jeans, just as dirty. He bellowed at me, “Isn’t that illegal?” I looked around, and the moderator who was right next to me looked around to. “Is what illegal?” She asked. “Her shirt!” The moderator looked at the man, still pointing at me, “They didn’t tell us anything about people not being able to wear candidates shirts—“ “It’s been all over the news!” The old man barked. I spoke up, “Look, sir, I can take the shirt off, I have another shirt underneath—“ “Isn’t that illegal?” He barked again. I looked at him, “Look, sir, I hope you know this but the South lost, so get over it. And you’re living in New York now, which was not even apart of the South.” I stormed out as fast as I could on my crutch, my Mother now close behind me. She asks, “What was that all about?” “Ah,” I say, “just some racist upset because his douche bags aren’t going to win in the election.” My Mother sighs, “You are such a rebel.” I have talked to other people from different poll stations that have said other people have worn McCain shirts, as well as Obama, but have not gotten in trouble for it.

But now, Obama has proven that, and everyone who doubted a black man could become president wrong. Obama won the popular vote, and also won the electoral vote with almost 200 more points then John McCain. As I was in the ER, I watched CNN non-stop until 1am. When the polls closed in California, Washington and Oregon, and they projected him the winner for presidency, I was speechless. I was dancing in my bed the best that I could. Everyone was coming in and talking to me, and watching the great news with my Mother, and me. Even the guy next to me was thrilled. As my Mother and I watched his winning speech, I could see her wiping her eyes with enjoyment. “Yes Mom,” I told her, “you just helped make history.”

When I heard that the Illinois Senator, Barack Obama, was running for president, I had no clue what to expect. “An African-American is running for President?” I asked, “This is going to be interesting.” I didn’t think that because I am racist, but because I know there is so much racism and hate still towards people of different skin color in our country. I began researching him, getting to know what he thought about certain issues, and by the time Iowa had come along, I was cheering him on. When I saw that he had won in Iowa, I was excited. I knew he was going to make it. Even when times looked grim, and the constant struggles with Hillary, he would not give up. He knew he needed to change our country, and would fight with every thing he had. When he won the Democratic nomination, I was thrilled, and became even more of a supporter.

When John McCain picked Sarah Palin as his choice for VP, I was honestly shocked and insulted that he decided to pick this unknown bimbo from Alaska, who had barely any political experience, got a bachelor’s degree in journalism in 6 years from 5 different colleges, etc, etc. When Hillary was in the race, there had been talks about the first female president, so McCain decided he would try and make the first female VP, but picked a horrible choice. We females are not stupid. Why would we vote for a candidate who is a female, like us, but did not believe in giving us freedom of choice- freedom to do whatever we want with our bodies? Why should I sell my uterus to the government? After that gimmick appeared, I fought long and hard for Obama, for fear of what would happen if the Republicans had their way with the United States again.

As I was waiting for my Mom to come get me from the ER, I sat in a wheelchair, watching CNN as President Bush was coughing up some words on how he was excited to have Obama become the 44th president. His words were not sincere. I didn’t buy it.

I voted and support Barack Obama because of the change I hope he brings to our country in need of it. The past 8 years have been nothing but downhill, and hopefully Obama can push it uphill again. As he said in his winning speech, “I’m going to need your help, America,” and he will need our help. This is why our country has been failing, is because Bush thought he could do it all by himself. The country needs to come together, to unite, and look past the differences between race, gender, sexual orientation, disability, origin, etc. We need to stop being so hateful, so racist and help each other out.

I am excited for January 20th, 2009. I have hope in my nation now. My country is going to be lead under a great man. The past 8 years have been nothing but secrets and lies to our country, and hopefully that will change. The economy, health care, the War, foreign dependency on natural resources… I hope those changes for the better. I have faith that Barack Obama can deliver what he promised the millions of American’s who are anxiously waiting his first day in office.

As Michelle McManus once sung, “It’s a new dawn. It’s a new day. It’s a new life… for me. And I’m feeling good.”

Sunday.

It's daylight savings today. Going to bed at 3am, when it felt like 4am was not bad. I got up around 9, and I acutally went to church with my parents.

It was my pastor's last day today, so i went because I have grown up with him. He's an extremely nice guy, and as I was saying goodbye, his wife also talked to me. I don't think I've ever talked to her alone before.

We all know how I feel about church, and religion in general, so as I was sitting there I was looking around at the children. Some of them were coloring, others were silent and following along, and others were just being plain out braty. I saw them sing along with the hymns, say the prayers which they have been told to say, and watched them as they left. It's been awhile since I've been to church, but I think that this trip is the last time I will ever set foot in a church.

These children are our future, sadly. I was looking through the bullention and I was reading one of the lessons from today. It's from Relevations and deals with how the Angels were crying because they were praising God. The last quote from the reading was, "And God will wipe away every tear that falls from their eyes." I leaned over to Mom and asked her why they were crying. She replied, "Because they went to a better place." "So, wouldn't they be happy? If they were tears of joy, why would God be wiping them away? Why are they tears of sorrow if they're in a better place?" She was silent. This shit makes no sense.

If I were to ever have a kid, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny would not be in our tradition. Why would I lie to my kids about imaginary things? I would not take them to church. My child would not have a religion. If they wanted to worship God though I would not stop them.

Things may change, but I doubt they will. As time has passed, I have come to the realization that I will probably never be engaged ever again, or give birth to any kids. I was telling my mother this and she snaps back, "so get a dog, or a cat." "Mom, I'm really allergic..." "Well, get a fish." "But they are boring." I know my Mom has a sense of my growing anger, which has grown frightenly high over the past few weeks, and she's probably afarid that I'm going to yell at her, or that we'll get into a fight. I told my Father about how she doubts my sister and I will get into grad school after our bachelors, and he told me, "she doesn't know what it's like in college." Damn straight she doesn't know. It just worries me that my own Mother doens't have faith in her daughters. Fuck that.

I also have been told that I have an attitude problem, which made me laugh. I'm sorry I call people out when they're being douchebags and I tell the truth. Maybe that's why no one wants to date me, because I speak my mind and girls aren't supposed to do that. All guys ever want from me is a lay.

Oh yeah, I find this amusing. My Mother during church started to cry, so I leaned over and hugged her. She didn't hug back but I thought she might enjoy the comfort. Over the past week, I have acquired a knee injury and as I was hopping over to sit down at the kitchen table, and in the process I hit my knee on the table extremely hard. She just stood there and looked at me as I was trying to not cry out in pain. "Attitude Check: Fuck You."

I cannot wait to see what happens on Tuesday. I have two seperate plans for whoever wins. I'm not going to jinx anything, or spoil anything, but I'm am anxiously looking forward to see if America is really as retarded as I think it is. Don't make me do what I have planned for one of them.

I have ignored my homework all weekend, so I think it's time to start paying attention to it. I have no clue even what any of it is, but I think being on pain medication will make it much more amusing.