Warning Shot

"I feel something is coming,
Coming like a rhino on his hind legs
Is about to storm in and kick me
Down so hard the wind will be knocked
Out of my beating chest and I’ll finally be
Dead.

I’m either on the verge of a break through
Or the verge of a break down
I haven’t decided which one yet but neither
Can be good, especially in my condition
The condition of anxious, fear, depression and
Suicide.

I feel a certain numbing pumping through
My veins, as if the ice from outside is captivating
Itself into my body. I look fragile, I feel like death
Everything is not going the way I want it to
I hate this, I hate this, I hate this
I want it to stop

But at the same time I don’t.
Something good must come out of this,
It always does.
A break down during a break through, or a
Break through during a break down?
Whichever one leads me, I’ll take it."

Just wrote that, still a little shaky. Might need to clean it up a bit later...

Fuckers.

Turn Up the Radio.

I'm a little confused as to where to start, but I guess I'll start with today.

After a heavy night of drinking, dancing, and yelling the word "motherfucker," I wake up in the dorm room realizing that my friend puked in front of the bar last night. I feel bad because she was thrown out of the bar as well while I was dancing with one of my guy friends. So today I come home and we're having a family birthday party since my birthday was last week, and I can feel the tention. It bursts all of a sudden when my sister's boyfriend, who is moving in, and I start talking about drinking heavily. My sister freaks out, my Dad steps in and so does my Mom. I start yelling at my Mom to shut up cause she is NEVER on my side, and then Dad starts yelling, then my sister does, and this is all infront of my other relatives. So I take my beer mug and march upstairs. I'm upset as hell, when Dad comes upstairs to apologize, my sister soon after him, and her boyfriend as well. Short but sweet, my mother is still a cunt and I don't know if I'm going to like living with my sister again when my Mom moves out. I don't want to think of my sister as a mother figure, but that's what she's starting to portray herself as. I don't think I like that. I want a sister, not a mother. But, I guess it's hard when your sister is a mother...

New tattoo February 12th. Yes.

It's actually 6:15pm so mind the time. I know I can fix it but don't feel like it right now. This all happened around 1pm. Dad was home this weekend, and I barely saw him. I haven't been to my internship in a week because of my numerous doctor appointments about my knee. I hafta email her and apologize.

I've been told I have a lot of great potential (and don't agree or disagree I don't want to hear it), but I pretty much got drunk... 5 out of the 7 days last week. I'm not drinking at all this week, nope, none, nada, nothing. I'm not an alcoholic so don't fucking say that.

Ta for now.

Empty as in dead as dead.

I miss you.

I'm so pissed off at myself right now cause I miss you.

I know I shouldn't, but I'm pathetic and do.

I'm getting a tattoo cause my Dad suggested I get this.

It's going to be a sun with two faces in the center.

Comedy and Tragedy.

It will show my bipolarness and the constant struggle I have with this crap.

I really miss you.

My Dad is fine with me getting another one, my Mom not so much.

I'm going to even my arms out, and try to make them look decent.

Since I have a feeling money will be scarce, and I want to get one more.

Just one more before the money dries up.

School starts in a few days, and with this I am anxious.

A lot is going to change this year.

My rents are moving, my sister and her boyfriend and her son moving in their place.

Which means I stay put and help pay rent with them.

She's graduating, I am as well.

I feel a marraige proposal on her side is coming up as well on her part.

I'll be taking my GRE this year, and applying for grad schools.

Hopefully I'll get into a few of them so I can get the hell out of here.

That would be fab.

I really want to go to bed, but I think it's too early for this.

My knee isn't doing well at all.

I have to go to physical therapy most likely, and surgery might even be in order.

Maybe I'll just fuck it and go.

Who cares anymore?

Dead and Gone.

I wish.

Anyways, I just got my books for this upcoming semester. Did you know that I'm going to graduate with my bachelor's degree this year? That's so scary to think how close I am, and then there's graduate school... I've got about 5 schools in mind, 6 if you include one out of the country. My Mom, whom I have been getting along much better with, is moving and I'll be getting my own place. All of these things, it's so weird.
I'm working on a story right now, it's 8 pages double-spaced, and I plan on using it towards my final portfolio to get into graduate school. Right now it should go under the genre of 'Love Story' but I plan on twisting it around, like I do with most of my writings.
I must admit, I am still irritated with a number of things. For one, I just the semester to start again, since I am itching to finish. Another is how my wireless internet won't work for what seems more than 5 minutes at a time, but the most annoyance is my knee. My goddamn right knee. I wake up every day around 9-10am in extreme pain, so I slap my brace on, take some pain medicine and get ready to start the day. It also doesn't help me that I just lost my job as well.
Here's a monologue I wrote::
"Me? Crazy? No, why would I be crazy? Why would I be angry all the time? What reasons do I have? The fact that I’m going to be living on medication for the rest of my life due to my mental illnesses, or the fact that I should never have kids? But, oh hey, can’t have kids until you find someone to have kids with, which will never happen ever again. It might be the fact that I feel like my family hates me and so does everyone else, or the fact that no matter how normal I try to be I’m not. Why would that make me crazy? It is the fact that no matter what I do I always seem to screw things up? Or could it be the fact that no matter what I do things never go my way? People treat me like I’m a child when really I’m an adult. I feel like I need to prove myself when really I shouldn’t. People need to stop being such assholes to me. I wouldn’t be like this if people were nice to me and actually did what they said they were going to do. Help me out when I need help, comfort me when I need comfort. Shit like that. But no, let’s hit me again; beat the crap out of me, and see where that gets me. Let’s shove pills down my throat and as I look through the world with numbing eyes and suicidal thoughts since the medication still doesn’t work because you want me to be normal. I want to be normal. I will never be normal. What the hell is normal anyways? Why am I so angry? Why do people make me so mad? Why am I like this? Why can’t I just die already? I don’t get it why you people think you can fix me when really I don’t think you can. I think I’m duped to live like this the rest of my life."

I wrote that a few months ago with the thought of a younger me in mind; a me in my teenage years. I would like to use that in a play, but I don't know if I ever will.

I've got some imperfections.

I am quite frustrated right now about a number of things.
I am going to be extremely busy next semester, and my Dad keeps pushing to find someone to date. Yes, okay, so what, I've had love before, and okay, that's great my sister is going to get married, but I don't have time for that. I don't want that right now; the stress of being tied down to someone when I barely have any time for them. It was different when I was at FLCC. I didn't have an internship, a job, and I wasn't in my senior year at a high-ranked college. Also, my Dad is going to find me and my friend a place to live for next semester apparently. I don't know why but I don't believe him. He's finally home after a month of not being home, and he's all "So I hear there's guys interested in you." I don't know why he even cares since he usaully hates all the guys I date. God, typing this is making me want to cry with tears of anger and frustration. It also doesn't help that, o shit, I'm the only single girl in my family. Wow, I just realized that. Yay for being a failure!
Of course I like people, but know that nothing will happen right now due to me being so busy. Here's an excerpt from a rant I wrote back in October::
"Why are you people so closed-minded? Why do my gay friends have to live in fear? Why do my transgender friends have to live in fear? Because it’s against what some people think is “right”, is “normal.” Why do they think that? Because our fucking COUNTRY is based upon Christian morals and ideas. We try so hard to separate church and state when it’s with us all the time. It haunts us everyday. When we hand the cashier a 10-dollar bill it says, “In God We Trust.” Trust in God? Why would I do that when I don’t even know if the fucker is real? Why do we females have to stay silent? Stay at home, do the fucking dishes, cook, and take care of kids? Why must we get married? Why do we have to have kids? Because if you don’t do these things you’re seen as a failure. Oh, and now, if you don’t have a degree higher then a bachelor’s you’re looked down on that too. So, okay, let me get this straight. We’re supposed to graduate from high school, go to college because it’s the right thing to do, get a 4-year degree in something, find a husband throughout all that, get married, have kids and get a career going in-between all that? Yeah, sounds like a fucking blast. It isn’t fun. College is stressful. I’m in my senior year right now, being 2*-years-old, and I have to admit, the only reason why I wanted to get married was because my parents got married young, and so did his. We thought it was the right thing to do."
It's just very frustrating when everyday I see and hear this shit as to how I should date someone. "At least someone!" NO. Fuck off and kindly die thank you. I'll do it when the time is right. Maybe my Dad thinks I'm going to be alone this his Mom was. HA no. Just give me some goddamn time to figure shit out. And by shit I mean not be so busy that I barely have time to sleep, okay?
On the a lighter note, it's Christmas Eve. I'm not all "bahumbug," I actually enjoy this time of year, minus working in retail, the whole holiday thing and the snow. It's mostly because our family gets together. I never see my family, and with my Mom and Dad moving out of state this is our last "End of the year" with them. Eh. that sounds stupid, I guess I'll just say "Holiday Season." Whatever. I doubt next year I'm going to have enough money to go anywhere. I barely have any right now. We'll see I guess.
Also, it gives me an excuse to get drunk around my family, since my family is getting drunk as well. Love it love it love it.
Well, I'm gonna get going, I've ranted enough for the day.
Happy Holidays, or whatever.

A 2am Post.

Eve nif it says a different time when I post this, it's 2am and I cannot sleep. I went to bed around 8-9-10pm with a headache and now I'm wide awake. It's more closer to 3am, but eh.
I'm back into therapy pretty much every week. It's okay, nothing special. What's helping me out is the fact that Mom and I have been getting along much better now. I just hope this keeps up.
What I do not appericate from her is the fact that she's still kicking me out, therefore I will have no where to live during spring semester. I've been trying to save up some money, but things like my car and food keep getting in the way. And now my medicine, which is insanely expensive is racking up a bill. These pills I take can cost up to 300 dollars!!! That's a fucking lot of money, okay? I don't have that just for one month of medication, so my psychatrist told me to get free samples once I get off my health care so I can still take my medicine cause... well damn.
I was at Buffalo Wild Wings tonight and they played Porcupine Tree. I cannot tell you how happy that made because I fucking love Porcupine Tree.
I have an internship next semester most likely, so we'll see what happens there as well.
I wish I had something to write about right now. I feel my head i starting to throb again, which means it wants to go back to bed. I wish I could post a writing or something, but they've been so personal lately that I really don't feel like sharing... for now at least.
And now to be completely random...
It's funny because I thought I knew this one person so well. Now, I feel like I don't even know who they are. I feel like it's my fault, when really it's theirs. They're the one who have changed into this. I miss them so much.

Boredom?

Now that the semester is pretty much to a close, I must admit that I have no clue what to do. I want to relax, but I don't want to watch t.v., I don't want to read, I don't want to watch any of my movies... I guess it just feels weird to actually not be stressed out.
I've got a few writings I'm editing right now, and a few more on my mind to start, but I don't know if I should write even tonight. I have work tomorrow at 9am, but I still want to be productive. This includes not going to bed until a few hours from now.
This is one way how I'm like my Dad is that I cannot not do anything. I have to be doing something all the time. I've been told by multiple people that I should go on a vacation. Personally, with that money I could finish my left arm tattoo.
I kind of don't know why I'm typing this entry up, since I have nothing really to say other than I'm bored for the first time in months. I don't know what to do with myself.

This is the most pointless entry yet. I'm going to go write.