Turn Up the Radio.

I'm a little confused as to where to start, but I guess I'll start with today.

After a heavy night of drinking, dancing, and yelling the word "motherfucker," I wake up in the dorm room realizing that my friend puked in front of the bar last night. I feel bad because she was thrown out of the bar as well while I was dancing with one of my guy friends. So today I come home and we're having a family birthday party since my birthday was last week, and I can feel the tention. It bursts all of a sudden when my sister's boyfriend, who is moving in, and I start talking about drinking heavily. My sister freaks out, my Dad steps in and so does my Mom. I start yelling at my Mom to shut up cause she is NEVER on my side, and then Dad starts yelling, then my sister does, and this is all infront of my other relatives. So I take my beer mug and march upstairs. I'm upset as hell, when Dad comes upstairs to apologize, my sister soon after him, and her boyfriend as well. Short but sweet, my mother is still a cunt and I don't know if I'm going to like living with my sister again when my Mom moves out. I don't want to think of my sister as a mother figure, but that's what she's starting to portray herself as. I don't think I like that. I want a sister, not a mother. But, I guess it's hard when your sister is a mother...

New tattoo February 12th. Yes.

It's actually 6:15pm so mind the time. I know I can fix it but don't feel like it right now. This all happened around 1pm. Dad was home this weekend, and I barely saw him. I haven't been to my internship in a week because of my numerous doctor appointments about my knee. I hafta email her and apologize.

I've been told I have a lot of great potential (and don't agree or disagree I don't want to hear it), but I pretty much got drunk... 5 out of the 7 days last week. I'm not drinking at all this week, nope, none, nada, nothing. I'm not an alcoholic so don't fucking say that.

Ta for now.

Empty as in dead as dead.

I miss you.

I'm so pissed off at myself right now cause I miss you.

I know I shouldn't, but I'm pathetic and do.

I'm getting a tattoo cause my Dad suggested I get this.

It's going to be a sun with two faces in the center.

Comedy and Tragedy.

It will show my bipolarness and the constant struggle I have with this crap.

I really miss you.

My Dad is fine with me getting another one, my Mom not so much.

I'm going to even my arms out, and try to make them look decent.

Since I have a feeling money will be scarce, and I want to get one more.

Just one more before the money dries up.

School starts in a few days, and with this I am anxious.

A lot is going to change this year.

My rents are moving, my sister and her boyfriend and her son moving in their place.

Which means I stay put and help pay rent with them.

She's graduating, I am as well.

I feel a marraige proposal on her side is coming up as well on her part.

I'll be taking my GRE this year, and applying for grad schools.

Hopefully I'll get into a few of them so I can get the hell out of here.

That would be fab.

I really want to go to bed, but I think it's too early for this.

My knee isn't doing well at all.

I have to go to physical therapy most likely, and surgery might even be in order.

Maybe I'll just fuck it and go.

Who cares anymore?

Dead and Gone.

I wish.

Anyways, I just got my books for this upcoming semester. Did you know that I'm going to graduate with my bachelor's degree this year? That's so scary to think how close I am, and then there's graduate school... I've got about 5 schools in mind, 6 if you include one out of the country. My Mom, whom I have been getting along much better with, is moving and I'll be getting my own place. All of these things, it's so weird.
I'm working on a story right now, it's 8 pages double-spaced, and I plan on using it towards my final portfolio to get into graduate school. Right now it should go under the genre of 'Love Story' but I plan on twisting it around, like I do with most of my writings.
I must admit, I am still irritated with a number of things. For one, I just the semester to start again, since I am itching to finish. Another is how my wireless internet won't work for what seems more than 5 minutes at a time, but the most annoyance is my knee. My goddamn right knee. I wake up every day around 9-10am in extreme pain, so I slap my brace on, take some pain medicine and get ready to start the day. It also doesn't help me that I just lost my job as well.
Here's a monologue I wrote::
"Me? Crazy? No, why would I be crazy? Why would I be angry all the time? What reasons do I have? The fact that I’m going to be living on medication for the rest of my life due to my mental illnesses, or the fact that I should never have kids? But, oh hey, can’t have kids until you find someone to have kids with, which will never happen ever again. It might be the fact that I feel like my family hates me and so does everyone else, or the fact that no matter how normal I try to be I’m not. Why would that make me crazy? It is the fact that no matter what I do I always seem to screw things up? Or could it be the fact that no matter what I do things never go my way? People treat me like I’m a child when really I’m an adult. I feel like I need to prove myself when really I shouldn’t. People need to stop being such assholes to me. I wouldn’t be like this if people were nice to me and actually did what they said they were going to do. Help me out when I need help, comfort me when I need comfort. Shit like that. But no, let’s hit me again; beat the crap out of me, and see where that gets me. Let’s shove pills down my throat and as I look through the world with numbing eyes and suicidal thoughts since the medication still doesn’t work because you want me to be normal. I want to be normal. I will never be normal. What the hell is normal anyways? Why am I so angry? Why do people make me so mad? Why am I like this? Why can’t I just die already? I don’t get it why you people think you can fix me when really I don’t think you can. I think I’m duped to live like this the rest of my life."

I wrote that a few months ago with the thought of a younger me in mind; a me in my teenage years. I would like to use that in a play, but I don't know if I ever will.

I've got some imperfections.

I am quite frustrated right now about a number of things.
I am going to be extremely busy next semester, and my Dad keeps pushing to find someone to date. Yes, okay, so what, I've had love before, and okay, that's great my sister is going to get married, but I don't have time for that. I don't want that right now; the stress of being tied down to someone when I barely have any time for them. It was different when I was at FLCC. I didn't have an internship, a job, and I wasn't in my senior year at a high-ranked college. Also, my Dad is going to find me and my friend a place to live for next semester apparently. I don't know why but I don't believe him. He's finally home after a month of not being home, and he's all "So I hear there's guys interested in you." I don't know why he even cares since he usaully hates all the guys I date. God, typing this is making me want to cry with tears of anger and frustration. It also doesn't help that, o shit, I'm the only single girl in my family. Wow, I just realized that. Yay for being a failure!
Of course I like people, but know that nothing will happen right now due to me being so busy. Here's an excerpt from a rant I wrote back in October::
"Why are you people so closed-minded? Why do my gay friends have to live in fear? Why do my transgender friends have to live in fear? Because it’s against what some people think is “right”, is “normal.” Why do they think that? Because our fucking COUNTRY is based upon Christian morals and ideas. We try so hard to separate church and state when it’s with us all the time. It haunts us everyday. When we hand the cashier a 10-dollar bill it says, “In God We Trust.” Trust in God? Why would I do that when I don’t even know if the fucker is real? Why do we females have to stay silent? Stay at home, do the fucking dishes, cook, and take care of kids? Why must we get married? Why do we have to have kids? Because if you don’t do these things you’re seen as a failure. Oh, and now, if you don’t have a degree higher then a bachelor’s you’re looked down on that too. So, okay, let me get this straight. We’re supposed to graduate from high school, go to college because it’s the right thing to do, get a 4-year degree in something, find a husband throughout all that, get married, have kids and get a career going in-between all that? Yeah, sounds like a fucking blast. It isn’t fun. College is stressful. I’m in my senior year right now, being 2*-years-old, and I have to admit, the only reason why I wanted to get married was because my parents got married young, and so did his. We thought it was the right thing to do."
It's just very frustrating when everyday I see and hear this shit as to how I should date someone. "At least someone!" NO. Fuck off and kindly die thank you. I'll do it when the time is right. Maybe my Dad thinks I'm going to be alone this his Mom was. HA no. Just give me some goddamn time to figure shit out. And by shit I mean not be so busy that I barely have time to sleep, okay?
On the a lighter note, it's Christmas Eve. I'm not all "bahumbug," I actually enjoy this time of year, minus working in retail, the whole holiday thing and the snow. It's mostly because our family gets together. I never see my family, and with my Mom and Dad moving out of state this is our last "End of the year" with them. Eh. that sounds stupid, I guess I'll just say "Holiday Season." Whatever. I doubt next year I'm going to have enough money to go anywhere. I barely have any right now. We'll see I guess.
Also, it gives me an excuse to get drunk around my family, since my family is getting drunk as well. Love it love it love it.
Well, I'm gonna get going, I've ranted enough for the day.
Happy Holidays, or whatever.

A 2am Post.

Eve nif it says a different time when I post this, it's 2am and I cannot sleep. I went to bed around 8-9-10pm with a headache and now I'm wide awake. It's more closer to 3am, but eh.
I'm back into therapy pretty much every week. It's okay, nothing special. What's helping me out is the fact that Mom and I have been getting along much better now. I just hope this keeps up.
What I do not appericate from her is the fact that she's still kicking me out, therefore I will have no where to live during spring semester. I've been trying to save up some money, but things like my car and food keep getting in the way. And now my medicine, which is insanely expensive is racking up a bill. These pills I take can cost up to 300 dollars!!! That's a fucking lot of money, okay? I don't have that just for one month of medication, so my psychatrist told me to get free samples once I get off my health care so I can still take my medicine cause... well damn.
I was at Buffalo Wild Wings tonight and they played Porcupine Tree. I cannot tell you how happy that made because I fucking love Porcupine Tree.
I have an internship next semester most likely, so we'll see what happens there as well.
I wish I had something to write about right now. I feel my head i starting to throb again, which means it wants to go back to bed. I wish I could post a writing or something, but they've been so personal lately that I really don't feel like sharing... for now at least.
And now to be completely random...
It's funny because I thought I knew this one person so well. Now, I feel like I don't even know who they are. I feel like it's my fault, when really it's theirs. They're the one who have changed into this. I miss them so much.

Boredom?

Now that the semester is pretty much to a close, I must admit that I have no clue what to do. I want to relax, but I don't want to watch t.v., I don't want to read, I don't want to watch any of my movies... I guess it just feels weird to actually not be stressed out.
I've got a few writings I'm editing right now, and a few more on my mind to start, but I don't know if I should write even tonight. I have work tomorrow at 9am, but I still want to be productive. This includes not going to bed until a few hours from now.
This is one way how I'm like my Dad is that I cannot not do anything. I have to be doing something all the time. I've been told by multiple people that I should go on a vacation. Personally, with that money I could finish my left arm tattoo.
I kind of don't know why I'm typing this entry up, since I have nothing really to say other than I'm bored for the first time in months. I don't know what to do with myself.

This is the most pointless entry yet. I'm going to go write.

Melancholy

My Dad just got home, and I already am hating the holiday season.
I know he was tired, but him and my mom are looking down on me going anywhere but Emerson college, since I'll be close to where they're moving and they want me to be close to them. I explained to them that they should be thankful that I'm not moving to the West coast, which is what I really want to do. I'm sick of the East Coast. I hate the weather- the cold and snow especially. Everyday last week I woke up and the first thing I said was "Fuck." Then I'd clean off my car and curse and curse...
Also, my Dad is acting different towards me now. I think it's because my mom and I got into a very physical fight yesturday, and if I wouldn't of stopped myself I would've beat the shit out of her. She needs to stop hitting me. I really am going to flip, but it's only on her... maybe it's because she does this too much. And she's the one who hits me first. Well damn, I hope yesturday taught her a lesson to not hit me anymore. Fuck her, I don't need her. She's already kicking me out of the house next semester before she puts the house up for sale. Where the fuck am I going to live? You told me I could live with until I got my degree. Yeah, love you too, you fucking cunt.
I think my parents are afarid of what my sister and I are going to become. I want all these degrees and all they think about are student loans. I think of the knowledge and the amount of jobs I can get if I get all these degrees, which is also how my sister thinks. I also feel that they are starting to feel inferior to me and my sister, since none of my parents went to college, and here are their girls, one wants to become a lawyer (and will become one), and the other wants to become a publisher.
I really want to write a memoir on my family. Have I mentioned that? I need to find time to start it. I was going to have my mom help out, but I think I won't anymore. I know she doesn't want me telling the world about how messed up our family is, but too bad. I'm going to do it. I think you get a taste of it in just my blog...
I love my job though. Black Friday is coming up and I'm psyched. I love the new shirts, the atmosphere, the people. It's gonna be a blast, minus the insane amount of people that are going to be in our store, but still I know we'll make it fun... somehow.
God, just bringing up the fight between me and my mom is making me upset. It seemed so unreal. I have never been so aggressive towards her like that. I feel kind of bad, but damn. She fucking hits hard, and the way she shoved my face... I really want to get out of here. I wonder if that's bad that I want to do that...
It's like, the two people who I get most compared to in my family is my deceased grandmother and my aunt. My aunt, who is still alive, has tattoos (like me) and I guess I act like she did when she was my age, besides being married. I mean, she got married when she was 20, got divorced, lived by herself for a while, married someone from her highschool, and had my cousin, who I absolutely love. Amanda is my second sister. My grandmother, named Irene, was a feminist. Even though I hate to call myself one, she would've been proud for me acting in the Vagina Monologues, fighting for female equality, and being strong and going to college. I'm passionate about what I believe in, and so was she. She never married my Dad's father, actually never got married in general, but she still kicked ass. My mom tells me she was stubborn, how I guess I am, and then mom bitches how I'm not open-minded, and then we fight and fight....
Fuck I really need to get out of here. I have so much homework to do, but I just can't do it right now. I need to get to bed. hate feeling this way. I just want things to be how they were before. I was happy, I didn't feel so angry like this. My mom even told me she deosn't expect me to get married. My sister is pretty much engaged, and my mom looooves that. She's eating it up. She did the same thing when my sister got pregnant with my nephew. It's like, my sister has this adorable son, and has a wonderful boyfriend, and I have nothing. All I have are my writings, which my parents don't like to read. I was published in my literary magazine last semester at school, and the poem I wrote was a tanka poem about self-mutilation and my parents were proud of me, but when they learned what it was about... not so much.
I don't get it why. One of the first things my dad asked me today when he got home was how I was doing without my medication. I was sort of ticked that he asked me that, probably trying to tell me that I should go see my psychatrist again cause he probably thinks I have anger issues. I DONT. I'm a non-violent person, just when your mom keeps hitting you, you'll eventually get sick and tired of it and fight back. Maybe I should go talk to Pam again, I don't know. She'll be pissed at me probably for not seeing her in so long (May to be exact), but I guess I should go see her. Fuck, I really hate having it boil down to that. I don't need medication, I just needs things to change. I need to get out of here.
While typing this, I have spilled tears and pulled my hair. I really hate feeling this way. I feel trapped, claustrophobic. I long for sleep, but it does not come easily. I hate waking, knowing the amount of work that seems to never go away no matter how much I get done. I want to get out. I am determined to, and I know I will, I just hope it's soon...