o HAI

My grandfather is actually in the hospital for potential heart failure. I didn't get to see him today, but tomorrow I'm going to go see him. I've been kindof stressed out about him, but today I was more relaxed since there was no emergency phone calls made to my phone today.

I'm dating Scott now <3 I honestly haven't felt this good about a realtionship since Jim, which is a nice change of pace. He sent me roses yesturday, the pink and white roses located above, and they smell amazing. This is so weird, I'm so shocked...

My sister is a cunt. I hate her. Once I graduate I'm getting the hell away from her. I could really rant about her; about how she doesn't give a shit about me, or how she doesn't do anything for me unless she benefits from it, or maybe how she never asks me permission for anything, or, oh, wait, I'm going off again. Sorry. I talked to my mother today and she is shocked how, *gasp*, Hilary didn't ask me if her airhead friend Stacy could spend a week with her father and her 16-month old and her 3 1/2 year old at our house. The father gives more of a shit about me then Hilary or Stacy. What's wrong with that? I barely talk to him. I just met him the other day. I have no fucking clue how that girl is a goddamn doctor. If I were that dumb and had a phD, well fuck, that would be awesome.

Less then 2 weeks until vacay. This is going to be awesome. I did a little bit of shoppnig after work tonight. Bought a few loose fitting fashion tops due to my side being all tattooed when I go on vacay. God I'm so excited for that. I'm pretty positive Scott is going to come up jsut to watch me get it done. David and him are probably going to be there, watch me bleed everywhere, half naked. This is going to be sweet.

It's 11.30pm, which means it's time for me to go upstairs. I'll probably be woken up at 7.30am to 3 boys yelling. O GOOD. I fucking love this house.

The Times They Are A-Changing

I'm at my bookstore job, and I'm not too sure if I am even allowed to be writing, but I have a lot of things going through my mind as of late.

My grandfather went into the hospital today. I came over to do some errands for them and the doctor is there. Surprise! He comes outside and tells me that they are going to call an ambulance. What was wrong is that a rash under his skin has been spreading up his right arm and it's been making him itch like mad. I called my mother, my aunt, my cousin, and my sister to tell them what was going on. My grandmother is alone at the house, and I'm quite worried about her. I'm actually worried about both of them.

My sister is pregnant again. She's 11 weeks into her pregnancy. After I graduate from school this next semester I have decided that I am going to move out of state. To Boston, MA or to Greensboro, NC. Why those places? Boston for graduate school and Greensboro because of graduate school... and Scott. Scott and I have been talking a lot lately and I have a feeling something really awesome is going to come from this. He's graduating from his Master's program this fall, and then he is going to move as well... so why not move together? I have been told not to get my hopes up, but I always do.

I've going on vacation to NH August 8th through the 14th. On the 7th of August I'm getting a tattoo on my ribs on my right side. It's going to be quite a massive and brutal tattoo, but it needs to be done. I also have auburn hair now. I think there's a rave that Friday as well (the 7th) but I don't know if I'll go or not... Cannibal Corpse is also going to be in town soon, which means I am going to go see them. If they play I Will Kill You I might just kill somebody.

Very tired, but I think I'm gonna try and do some reading. This Independent Study isn't going too well yet because I've been so busy working 40+ hour work weeks. I wish I could have summers again, but I haven't had a summer since '06.

It's way too quiet in here. It's the cusp between when everyone is leaving for home, before everyone returns for classes and such. There's an Open Mic night tonight as well, which means I get to judge poetry. I honestly haven't written anything since my last post. I've just been way too busy. I could go on and rant again, but I did that earlier with Scott over the phone. My phone bill is going to be way over my limit most likely because not only is he not on Verizon, but he is also long distance. Shit.

It's 5:30. Time for dinner. I should try to do some reading as well.

Insert your coin...

"Scratch card glory
Waist low pleasure
Black eyes, nose bleed
Don’t look back now
My white abode do you remember?
My white abode-
But it’s such a thrill just to find out

Sorry you’re not a winner
With the air so cold and a mind so bitter
What have you got to loose
But false intentions and a life so pretentious?"

I was reading a book we sell in the book store at one of my jobs, and after I was done reading the poetry I had two things hit me. Actually three.

One, I love Sally Bittner Bonn. She's an amazing mother, wife, teacher.

Two, she had written to her mother how she had "helped her learned the theory of feminism early" or something like that, and I thought to myself "why the hell didn't my parents ever teach me that sort of crap?" I then realized that a lot of the stuff I've learned hasn't been from my parents telling me, but having me, myself, go through situations, reading what I've wanted to, and I've learned that way. In a way, discovering new things to one is quite satisfying, but I also like learning new things from people. Maybe that's why I like philosophy so much. I like taking other peoples views on things and thinking about why they beleive in what they believe in, and why I believe or not believe in what they believe in. We all do this. Like, no one told me to read Bertrand Russell. I wonder if I would have the same feeling and reaction to him if someone told me to read him.

I'm really tired, but I'm trying to make sense.

The third thing I realized is that I think I want to get back into Rhetoric and Composition. I was talking to a teacher at my second job and she said that "composition will give you your stars" and since I was thinking about getting into composition anyways... I think I'm gonna do it. I've been looking into Northeastern's program, because it looks quite promising. I just want to help people.I told myself I wasn't going to teach, but honestly I just can't see myself publishing. I want to talk to people about the books were analyzing, I want to change lives, I just want to go somewhere in life. I know I have the drive and ability to do so, I just need to make it happen. I don't want to be rich, I just want to be happy. I've found this guy who makes me so happy, I just need a career to match.

My parents were up this weekend. I didn't see them much, to the amount of working I was doing, but the time I did see them was nice. It's weird having them around after not seeing them for so much.

Ahh I have so much to fucking say but my eyes are so tired and they are jsut s c r e a m i n g at me to close them and sleep. My paychecks are sweet though. I guess that's all that matters. Assholes.

I always seem to get frustrated towards the end of typing these fucking things. See, I'm swearing more. I don't understand. Maybe it's because I'm listening to the Acacia Strain now, or maybe it's because I jsut get so overwhelmed about the amount of things to say. I had this awesome rant about religion the other day, but I didn't write it down.

My sister was watching previews for Jesus Camp, and I was talking to her about how fucked up religion is. She didn't say anything, just thought Jesus Camp was "kinda scary." I suggested she watch the documentary on hell houses. Those things are so FUCked uP. Oh, and hate groups. Don't even get me started on how fucked up those things are too.

You want world peace? Stop being a douchebag and accept that people are different from you. Okay, so you're a christian, a muslim, a fucking whatever, that's cool, let's go get ice cream, talk about it sometime. I would love for a Witness to come to my door so I can talk to them about their religion. I want to sit down with one of my Latter-day Saints friends and talk to them as well. I would love to sit down with a Nazi, a Klan member, and talk to them. Not because I want to get into what they do, but to try and get a better understanding that they do what they do. Ask questions. We can't always assume, we need to know the truth for ourselves. Assuming gets us in trouble.

We assume there's an afterlife but no one knows. Fuck that, I'll worry about that mmm never. Why should we live our life for something totally fictional? Some people do it to get into this heaven, some people do it for morals, but why do we need a religion telling us what to do? Can't we think for ourselves? Question everything, know for a fact about things.

I was always told to do what I was told, but why? Why should I? Who are you to tell me what is right for me? I may know better then you and now a days, knowing my age and my experience with certain subjects I might.

It's 11:12pm Eastern time. I work in 11 hours. Just thought I'd tell that to myself.

The house is dark. Everyone is asleep. This combination is not a good one. It's a Saturday night. I'm home, exhausted, and not out at that party that's going on... I need to get some sleep. I can only keep functioning like this for so long.

I think too much. I'm starting to think that's a bad thing.

Bullet holes-I mean points...

-Hil and Lennox got back together <3

-My rents are coming this weekend to say hi.

-My nose isn't broken, just bruised badly.

-I'm trying so hard to find a way to go see him wayyy down in the Southern part of the state. August cannot come soon enough!

-I really cannot express how much I love finding new music. I finally got a suicide silence cd. Sick. Next purchases: Bring Me the Horizon, As Blood Runs Black, and the new August Burns Red cd. Yay!

-I'm getting the rest of my back done this summer. It's going to be devoted to killwhitneydead.

-That concert was sick. Scott the merch guy for KWD is now my lover <3>

-That last one was kinda a joke, even though Scott is pretty effing sick. Him and his sociology...

-Tonight is the first night I have'nt drank a bottle of wine. I have been doing that for the past half week. I had some Korean food and some tea, and now I'm tired. Oh, and hardcore metal music helps too. *eee*

-I need to sleep but I'm finding it hard to drag myself up to bed.

-. . .

"DEAD, MOTHERFUCKER!"

-Bed. Now. Work. 8am.

And I Watched the World Change...

Today was the first day since Friday I saw her put her eyeliner on. Her crying has been so frequent it has been unnessecary for her to sleek that black pencil under her white eyes. Now that things have changed, she realized that things were not going back to the way they were. Change was in the air. It came just like the thunderstorms that pounded their way outside our window.

While my life was changing, hers was to. He had left her, because he got cold feet like so many other men I have met, loved, loathed, left. My world was changing because a certain boy was now in it, this boy that captivated my senses, made me walk on air. It's so weird to see how hers is falling apart while mine is building back up.

I look at her, sitting next to me, and I remember how weak she was when we were up till 4am talking. I know she will become stronger after this. She has to, she needs to.

I glance at my nephew, who is building a fort in the room opposite and I wonder how he will act when he hears the news that this "cockroach" as I call him is not coming back.

The "cockroach" is not here. I'm glad he's not. I really want to throw his stuff out of the house, break his PS3 because that seems to be his heart. Break it like he broke my sisters. The pieces of technology would lay on the floor like the blood from her heart pooling, filled with broken love, trust.

I'm cold. I feel like there is a wind of change galloping through our house. I feel it, my sister feels it. The windows are closed, the blinds are opened.

I watched the world change before my eyes. Opened, aware, focused. Things will get better, things will be fine. I get to play mother, aunt, sister. Guardian, caregiver, concierge, friend. Lover, stranger, better in the end, things will get better...

I am aware now of how everything's gonna be fine...

Killwhitneydead tonight. Vip passes. Sweet deal.

I am prepared now and I am fine again.

This subject changed.

Beyond irritated tonight. Like beyoooond. I'm so done with this place. This is bullshit.

First off, to someone special, GO FUCK YOURSELF. I'm so sick and tired of this crap I hafta deal with because of you. Never talk to me again. I'm so glad I didn't see you this weekend or I would've probably punched your face in.

Secondly, I'm tired. Very, very tired.

But...

Thirdly...

This weekend is most likely going to rock. Rave on Friday seeing some of my RIT loves (<3) but only if I don't pass out from working 7 days straight. Saturday I'm hanging out with Mr. (insert a witty nickname for him here), then Monday someone comes to visit for a few days!! Killwhitneydead is on Tuesday as well, which is going to be fabulous.

I got my independent study on Bertrand Russell for my final semester. I'm starting it now because it's gonna take that long. I'm psyched but it's gonna be a lot of work. I hafta read 7 of his books, including his Nobel prize winning one: The History of Western Philosophy. Ouch, but it's gonna be so worth it.

I really wish I had a rant for tonight, I really wish... but I wrote a poem tonight about drugs and how a certain someone makes me feel. Like,

"The pot smoke that crawls through my
lungs, that makes me gasp for breath, I
find myself feeling this sensation like
your kiss.

Your lips are so full, so plump, they remind me of
a peach, as I lick and kiss them softly, sweetly, as
if afraid to break the skin, the delicate skin, which
pot smoke has traveled through so many times..."

It's a really rough draft, since I just got the idea at work tonight and wrote a sketch down. I love when you start rambling on in your thoughts and one just pops out at you. That's what happened to me. This is the first time I've gotten around to writing for the hell of it this summer. I should send this to my poetry teacher, I think she might like this poem...

"...and that is why Ecstasy is the prime factor; the main
factor; the one true factor. Marijuana, alcohol, Special
K all adds up to this blurred, whirlwind of emotion. The
kisses intensify, the touch of your hands makes my body sweat
even more so then the ecstasy which is dilating my

pupils, making my heart beat faster, making me remember that
this is all too real, try and calm down. But no, keep going, go
faster, harder. Do you, you have to. The kisses, the touch, the feel
of you pressed up against me, and then you look at me..."

Writing tonight, even writing this, has made me feel better. I still want to go to bed though, because I feel like I am invisible in this household, absolutly have no say in anything. My posessions are worthless, my opinions thrown out the window. I'm only good to get yelled at for things I didn't do. Fuck this. But somehow, thinking about him makes everything okay. Especially when he rubs his cheek aganist mine, when we're driving in his car and he'll look over and smile, that grin he gets when I do something silly...

We'll never be, but at least we still have each other when he's in town. Him and his hands that search my body, as if looking for buried treasure. Him and that smile that will always spark when I'm around...

God, I wish he wasn't sleeping right now. I wish he was up here, and not all the way down there. But this weekend, after he comes home, I'm going to see him, and I can feel his breath aganist me once again...

"...in the eye. Brown on Brown. Boy on Girl. And the world
stops, and all I can hear is my heart beating. Your hands are on my
thighs, your lips are pressed together, your eyes are staring into
my soul.

I want you, I want this. Whether on or off drugs, this is
you, and me. This is us. Our own fantasy, where the sky is
green, the clouds are not stained with rain, and the pills are
plentiful. This is it. This is our world, my world, my own."

I fucking told you it's really rough!! It'll get better though, my writing will intensify and knock your fucking teeth out.

I'm really starting to think about possibly teaching writing. I'm a little unsure about that though, but a lot of doors are opened to me... I just have to choose the right one...

Rhetoric, Publishing, Writing... what one do I choose?

My mind is starting to drift, I can feel it starting to slip into slumber mode...

wait...

"Okay... now the monster is awake.... it won't rest until there's nothing left... maybe ever and anon... i forget about the pain... some bending light comes along... and flowers lean towards the sun... some people fall in love and touch the sky... some people fall in love and touch the sky... some people fall in love and find quicksand... i'm somewhere in between... i swear... i can't make up my mind..." -Incubus, Quicksand

With the leaves the trees and the bees and the things...

So I've been pretty much working past 8 days straight, with no intention of slowing down. It's very frustrating because I have nothing to show for it. I'm in debt, and I can feel my roommates (oh yeah, that whole move thing actually happened) starting to get aggravated at me at how I can't even afford food. Or gas. Or going to the doctors because I need to go to the doctors. I've been really sick. Or a new phone charger...
So my sister, her boyfriend, and my nephew all moved in. We're one big dysfunctional family. It's pretty awesome. My Mom is now living with my Dad in New Hampshire. I've apparently gotten in charge of my grand parents, which is always a fun task. You know, taking Oma shopping and to other such places, calling them, whatevs.
Is it sad that I haven't even looked at my grades from spring semester? I do, but at the same time I don't care. I know I did good, haven't gotten any letters saying how much I suck at school.
Ok, so I feel like I'm holding things back here. I'm extremely frustrated with everything. All of the above, and I feel like drinking tonight, cause when ever I have money I always make sure to buy some sort of alcohol in surplus. Call me an alcoholic, I don't care, I'm in college still, got that one more straggling semester hanging over my head.
I guess it just feels weird living with my sister, her boyfriend, and her son. I feel like... the "Outcasted Aunt" or something. The one who has no money but all she does is work... and drink. Eh, it's like some stupid real life show that everyone loves to watch because of situations like this. The aunt is freakin out, and the happy couple is in the other room watchin tv, eating Wendy's, and their son is asleep upstairs. When they leave to go grocery shopping, I'm in charge of doing some cleaning because I can't say no. What's even more frustrating is that they eat my food, but as soon as I eat theirs I hafta pay for it. I also love getting yelled at for not putting my dishes away when CLEARLY I do.
I should get my own place, and I really want to. I mean, I love the freedom, but I hate the roomies. It's only been like two weeks and I'm already feeling like this. Ridic.

I'm stuck though, no money, no other place to live, and I get to live with these people. I feel like I'm in the way, and I'm getting fucked over. This is my new life. Welcome to it.

Welcome to where time stands still
No one leaves and no one will
Moon is full, never seems to change
Just labeled mentally deranged
Dream the same thing every night
I see our freedom in my sight
No locked doors, no windows barred
No things to make my brain seem scarred
Sleep, my friend, and you will see
That dream is my reality
They keep me locked up in this cage
Can't they see it's why my brain says “rage”
Sanitarium, leave me be
Sanitarium, just leave me alone...