Melancholy

My Dad just got home, and I already am hating the holiday season.
I know he was tired, but him and my mom are looking down on me going anywhere but Emerson college, since I'll be close to where they're moving and they want me to be close to them. I explained to them that they should be thankful that I'm not moving to the West coast, which is what I really want to do. I'm sick of the East Coast. I hate the weather- the cold and snow especially. Everyday last week I woke up and the first thing I said was "Fuck." Then I'd clean off my car and curse and curse...
Also, my Dad is acting different towards me now. I think it's because my mom and I got into a very physical fight yesturday, and if I wouldn't of stopped myself I would've beat the shit out of her. She needs to stop hitting me. I really am going to flip, but it's only on her... maybe it's because she does this too much. And she's the one who hits me first. Well damn, I hope yesturday taught her a lesson to not hit me anymore. Fuck her, I don't need her. She's already kicking me out of the house next semester before she puts the house up for sale. Where the fuck am I going to live? You told me I could live with until I got my degree. Yeah, love you too, you fucking cunt.
I think my parents are afarid of what my sister and I are going to become. I want all these degrees and all they think about are student loans. I think of the knowledge and the amount of jobs I can get if I get all these degrees, which is also how my sister thinks. I also feel that they are starting to feel inferior to me and my sister, since none of my parents went to college, and here are their girls, one wants to become a lawyer (and will become one), and the other wants to become a publisher.
I really want to write a memoir on my family. Have I mentioned that? I need to find time to start it. I was going to have my mom help out, but I think I won't anymore. I know she doesn't want me telling the world about how messed up our family is, but too bad. I'm going to do it. I think you get a taste of it in just my blog...
I love my job though. Black Friday is coming up and I'm psyched. I love the new shirts, the atmosphere, the people. It's gonna be a blast, minus the insane amount of people that are going to be in our store, but still I know we'll make it fun... somehow.
God, just bringing up the fight between me and my mom is making me upset. It seemed so unreal. I have never been so aggressive towards her like that. I feel kind of bad, but damn. She fucking hits hard, and the way she shoved my face... I really want to get out of here. I wonder if that's bad that I want to do that...
It's like, the two people who I get most compared to in my family is my deceased grandmother and my aunt. My aunt, who is still alive, has tattoos (like me) and I guess I act like she did when she was my age, besides being married. I mean, she got married when she was 20, got divorced, lived by herself for a while, married someone from her highschool, and had my cousin, who I absolutely love. Amanda is my second sister. My grandmother, named Irene, was a feminist. Even though I hate to call myself one, she would've been proud for me acting in the Vagina Monologues, fighting for female equality, and being strong and going to college. I'm passionate about what I believe in, and so was she. She never married my Dad's father, actually never got married in general, but she still kicked ass. My mom tells me she was stubborn, how I guess I am, and then mom bitches how I'm not open-minded, and then we fight and fight....
Fuck I really need to get out of here. I have so much homework to do, but I just can't do it right now. I need to get to bed. hate feeling this way. I just want things to be how they were before. I was happy, I didn't feel so angry like this. My mom even told me she deosn't expect me to get married. My sister is pretty much engaged, and my mom looooves that. She's eating it up. She did the same thing when my sister got pregnant with my nephew. It's like, my sister has this adorable son, and has a wonderful boyfriend, and I have nothing. All I have are my writings, which my parents don't like to read. I was published in my literary magazine last semester at school, and the poem I wrote was a tanka poem about self-mutilation and my parents were proud of me, but when they learned what it was about... not so much.
I don't get it why. One of the first things my dad asked me today when he got home was how I was doing without my medication. I was sort of ticked that he asked me that, probably trying to tell me that I should go see my psychatrist again cause he probably thinks I have anger issues. I DONT. I'm a non-violent person, just when your mom keeps hitting you, you'll eventually get sick and tired of it and fight back. Maybe I should go talk to Pam again, I don't know. She'll be pissed at me probably for not seeing her in so long (May to be exact), but I guess I should go see her. Fuck, I really hate having it boil down to that. I don't need medication, I just needs things to change. I need to get out of here.
While typing this, I have spilled tears and pulled my hair. I really hate feeling this way. I feel trapped, claustrophobic. I long for sleep, but it does not come easily. I hate waking, knowing the amount of work that seems to never go away no matter how much I get done. I want to get out. I am determined to, and I know I will, I just hope it's soon...